She hears my cries and says, “I’m on my way.”
Forty minutes later, she's here. She doesn’t bother knocking, instead, she uses the key I gave her and lets herself in. She lies beside me and wraps her arms around me, letting me cry until I’m all cried out.
Only then does she ask what happened, and I tell her everything. I tell her about how I’m still taking medication to suppress my emotions, how my head has been in a fog since seeing Dean again, how I’m so fucking depressed and broken that some days I can’t stand to exist. I tell her about what happened with Dean last night, and lastly, I tell her about Declan leaving. I don’t spare a single detail; I tell my sister everything I’ve been suppressing for far too long.
She doesn’t judge me, which isn’t a surprise. She never has. She lets me tell her everything, and once I finish, she wipes my tears away, helps me to my room, and then helps me into my bed, where she climbs in next to me.
“I’ve got you, little sister. I’m here now.” She sniffles, brushing my hair out of my face, the same way she did when we were children and I would get upset.
“My heart hurts so fucking much. I thought the medication was helping, but it’s not. I hate the way I feel every single day. I hate being this depressed shell of the person I used to be.” I sigh, wiping my face with the back of my hand. “I don’t know what I need. Talking to a therapist doesn’t help.” I don’t tell her that I’ve canceled my appointments and haven’t been in a while.
“I had no idea you were hurting so badly. I’m sorry for being so blind.” I don’t blame her. I’m great at hiding my emotions. No one knows that I haven’t coped with the loss of my son or all the shit that happened with Declan and his drugs. He checked out, and I was left to pick up the broken pieces of our lives, and I was the one who had to be strong for the both of us while he was getting high. I was the glue that held us together; therefore, I never had time to mourn properly. Instead, I hid my emotions, burying them down so deep that now they’re starting to explode.
"I think we should have your doctor check your medication. Sometimes, the side effects can do more damage than good. Perhaps she can change the dosage or put you on something else," she suggests.
Nodding, I say, "You're right. I'll talk to her at my next appointment." I lie easily to her, knowing I have no intention of saying anything. I don't need any more doctors giving me anything else. I can manage on my own. I'll stop taking medication altogether.
I'll be fine.
Stroking my hair, Spencer whispers soothing words, telling me repeatedly that she’ll be here for me, begging me to open up to her more and tell her how I’m truly feeling. I agree, happy that I have my sister by my side. I would’ve called our mom, but I’m not ready for that yet.
For now, I just need my sister.
And to stay away from Dean while I focus on myself and think about what I will do about my marriage.
I cry myself to sleep, saying a silent prayer that when I awake, I’ll be someone new and feel different.
TWENTY-SEVEN
NOW
Dean
Camille left.
She walked out on me when I needed her to stay the most. I want to say I don’t understand why she left me, but come on, of course, I fucking know why she left. And I can’t blame her.
She thinks we made a mistake.
Maybe the way it happened was a mistake, but I don’t regret what we did. I don’t regret feeling her silky skin under my tongue again or seeing how her face contorts in pleasure right before she comes. Her sweet cunt is already tight, but when her climax is building and she’s seconds away from coming, that’s when she’s the tightest. Her pussy squeezed my cock in a vice grip, and that’s something I want to experience every day for the rest of my miserable goddamn life.
I’ve never once considered cheating on Karina; that’s the honest-to-God truth. I’ve never looked at another woman the entire time we've been together. No one ever captivated me and held my interest. My eyes were always only ever on my wife. My gaze never strayed away from her until now.
Had Camille not come back into my life, I can’t say where my future would’ve led. I’d probably still be a coward and stuck in my marriage. Camille has given me the strength to man the fuck up, and this time actually proceed with a divorce.
I know I’m still married and a piece of shit for cheating, but God help me.
Camille is my undoing. She’s my beginning and my end. The in-between doesn’t matter. As long as my life ends with her, that’s the only thing I care about.
Because of my feelings for her, it makes my decision all the easier. I’m going to end my marriage to Karina. I’m going to set us both free. I'll leave her so she can find someone who sets her soul on fire and makes her feel the way Cam has always made me feel.
I’ve already found my person, and it’s time Karina finds hers.
Before Camille left, Karina had called me, begging for me to come home, wanting to talk things out, not believing that I was serious when I said I was done.
I told her I’d come back to talk face-to-face about it and hung up.
Home. Such a funny thing, really. I think home is more of a person and not a place. I don’t feel at home in the house I share with Karina. I feel at home whenever I’m sharing the same space as Cam.