"It's hard, you know. Seeing you again after all these years. I remember when once we thought we were end game and would be together forever. We had a plan that we thought was foolproof." I understand what he means. Once, we thought that we were invincible, and nothing could ever stop us from being together.
Now I realize just how ridiculous our plan was. We were too young and naive.
"We were kids back then. Neither of us was prepared for the real world and how life can disrupt your plans." I sigh, saying the words more for myself than for him. No matter how often you fantasize about your future or how many times you plan, life always has its own plans for you, and things don’t always turn out as expected.
"I know. I just can't help thinking about what could've been." In silence, we sip our coffee and eat our donuts, not saying another word until they're finished and I'm licking the chocolate from my fingers.
To ease the tension and make things less awkward after being silent for so long, I speak up. "Oh, so, guess what? You'll be proud to know that I called Sadie last week, and she'll take the job." His eyes go wide, his lips twitching with a grin threatening to peak through.
"You did? You actually called her? I'm so surprised." That makes two of us.
I laugh while nodding. "I did. She was also surprised that I'd called her, but she took the job. I'll have to meet with her on Thursday to discuss things."
"You can have her meet you at the construction site. That way you can both see it. If you let me know the time, I'll meet you there too, and we can discuss the plans." I nod, tossing the empty coffee cup into the trashcan underneath my desk.
"Dean… did you mean what you said Friday night?" I am hesitant to ask, but I have to know the answer. I must know if I'm why he isn't willing to have children.
Ever since he told me he went to New York looking for me six years ago, something inside me has shifted, and now I can't explain how I feel. His confession on Friday only added to my confusion.
"I had no right to say that to you. You're married, and I respect that." An uncontrollable laugh erupts through me. Yeah, he's right. I'm technically married. But where's my husband? I don't feel married, and I haven't in a long time. Although he doesn't know anything about Declan or my marriage that has been treading on thin ice for years, since the day we said I do.
Words we only said because I was pregnant.
But to regret Declan means to regret Luca, and Luca is someone I will never regret.
Do I have other regrets from my younger years? Yes, many.
Do I regret getting married? Somedays.
The only thing I don't regret is having my son. My baby boy was the center of my universe, and he was the reason I did everything. And wanting to give him a family was why Declan and I got married, although neither of us will admit it aloud.
"You're married too, Dean," I remind him, tangling my hands in my hair and pulling at the roots. Fuck. The whole situation is a fucked-up mess.
Why couldn’t he just stay in London, and out of my life?
He feels the same as I, battling the same inner turmoil. I knew it from the moment our eyes connected at the gala.
"Don't remind me,” he mumbles, setting his coffee on my desk and leaning back in his seat.
"Why not? It's the truth. You're married, and you have a great wife at home who only wants to please you."
"Don't do that. Don't act like you know a damn thing about my marriage. And what about you? Where's your husband? I haven't seen or heard about him once. Aren't you supposed to be madly in love with the man you had a baby with?"
"Aren't you? Last I heard, you had a baby too! You've had three pregnancies with her." He stands, his eyes glaring at me, knowing I'd hit a nerve. I stand too, refusing to let the fucker look down on me. Even though he still is because of our height difference.
"Don't go there. You already know that the pregnancies weren't planned.” He grinds his teeth, his jaw tightening. "My daughter was stillborn, and the two other pregnancies ended in miscarriage.”
"Stop acting as if I betrayed you by having a baby! I'm not sorry for that, and I never will be! But having a baby with someone doesn't mean you belong with that person or that you're happy. Sometimes you just want to do the right thing for your child, even if you're not the happiest version of yourself."
"Do you love him? Your husband. Are you in love with him? You haven't mentioned him once, and according to Karina, you change the subject every time he comes up."
There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.
I love Declan.
I love my husband because of the life we created.
We created Luca, and I will always love Declan for giving me the greatest gift I could've ever asked for. I had four perfect years with my baby boy, and I will forever cherish those memories.