40
I didn’t think it was possible to feel emptier than I did after Robbie died.I was wrong.I was so wrong, it’s not even funny.
I pick up my phone for the millionth time today, but it remains quiet.No new messages, no missed phone calls.Tristan has been radio silent since the minute I got out of his car, and I’ve hated every second of it.I miss him so much it hurts to breathe.
My love for Robbie was innocent and pure.It was a young love which grew into a beautiful partnership and happy marriage.It was the kind of love where you feel content and satisfied because you have no idea what you’re missing—and there’s nothing wrong with that because life is good.But once you know what you’re missing, you can never go back.
If I thought losing Robbie broke my heart, it’s nothing compared to losing Tristan.
Tristan imprinted himself on my soul.He loved me with a passion that burned through all my defenses like a wildfire in a forest.I didn’t stand a chance.He burned down all my preconceived notions about what love was, and I didn’t even realize it until I lost him.
No, not lost—pushed away.
I keep replaying our final conversation and hearing his broken voice.It’s okay, Jo.I get it.Why did he think I was ending it?I was never actually able to voice my fears, my shame, or my guilt.So, why did he so easily accept my decision to end things?
Not for the first time, my stomach clenches painfully.What’s going through his head right now?Is he beating himself up for something that’s not even his fault?This ismyhang-up; it has nothing to do with him, not really.
I pick up my phone to text him because I can’t stand the idea of him hurting.It causes a physical ache I feel even in my bones.But before I get a chance to even think about what I could possibly say to make this better, my mom calls me.
“Hey,” I answer.
“Hey sweetheart.How are you?We haven’t heard from you in a few days.”
“I…” I close my eyes and take a breath, fighting away the tears that have been just beneath the surface for days.The tiniest thing sets them off, no matter how much I try to control them.“It’s been a rough week.Tristan and I broke up.”
“What?”My mom sounds genuinely stunned, and I can’t really blame her.When I told her Tristan and I were together she remarked on how happy I sounded.
I definitely don’t sound happy now.
“What happened?”she asks.
I sigh heavily, not really wanting to relive it, but also knowing she’ll get it out of me eventually, so I might as well rip off the Band-Aid.“Do you remember Lily and Rick Sampson?”
“Your old neighbors?Sure.They were a nice couple.Maybe a bit too concerned with appearances, but they were nice enough.”
“Why do you say that?”I’d never once noticed that they were focused on appearances.I knew they liked nice things, and Rick had been overly ambitious and always talking about how he was moving up in his company, but that just seemed like small talk you’d make with your neighbor.
“What?That they were ambitious?Just things they said, the way they talked about their material possessions or how Rick’s job allowed them to buy this or that.When they’d come over for your get-togethers, they were always talking about one thing or another that was supposed to make them look more prestigious than I suspect they actually were.They cared a lot about what other people thought of them, almost like they thought everyone was judging them.”
Ironic that it was their judgment that sent me spiraling.“I ran into them,” I say absentmindedly, still distracted by my mom’s words running around in my head.“They saw me with Tristan.”
“So?”
“So…they made some comments.Well, Rick did, but he had to know I’d hear him.”
“Comments about what?”
“About how quickly I moved on.”
“Okayyyy…and?”
“What do you meanand?I knew it was too soon.”The panic I’ve been feeling starts to rise in my chest.
“Too soon for what, Jo?”my mom asks with a mix of caution and reproach like only a mother can.
“Too soon to love him as much as I do!”Those tears surface again, and my heart is racing too fast for me to catch them before they start to fall.That’s the first time I’ve ever admitted it out loud.
“Jolie Elizabeth, please tell me you didn’t break up with Tristan because of someone else’s opinion.”