38
Tristan’s quiet as we walk hand in hand toward the restaurant.He’s been quieter than normal for days—since the night of the improv class.Although I know it’s not the class that’s made him shut down.
It’s me.
Or more, it’s my inability to tell him I love him.To reassure him that his feelings aren’t one-sided.I’ve tried to show him with my body, but every time I get close to saying the words, it’s like they get stuck in my throat.It becomes hard to breathe, and all I can do is stare at him and watch as pain crosses his face.My silence hurts him and that’s killing me.
But I still can’t say the words he wants to hear.Not because I don’t feel them, but because there’s something getting in the way.It’s like there’s some block in my brain that won’t let the words come out, and I’m starting to really hate it and wishing I knew what to do to fix it.
We walk inside, and the hostess seats us with a radiant smile toward Tristan like I’m not even here.Jealousy curls in my gut, but I bite my tongue.If Tristan notices my jealousy, he doesn’t say anything, which is probably for the best.Who knows what can of worms that would open.
I know he thinks my silence has to do with Robbie, and maybe he’s right.I still feel conflicted sometimes, more so on nights when Tristan makes me feel so much pleasure I feel like my body can’t contain it all.But it’s more than that.It’s his attentiveness to my needs, the way he pushes me, the way his love is all-consuming.It’s different from the love Robbie and I shared.
And I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but it makes me feel unfaithful to Robbie’s memory.
Our waitress comes to our table, ripping me from my spiraling thoughts.“What’ll you two have tonight?”
Tristan orders for both of us, and I’m grateful he knows me so well because I haven’t even looked at the menu, but it’s also another reminder of how attuned he is to my needs.And now I feel awful for not being able to give him whatheneeds.
God, I’m a mess.
He grabs my hand, and I glance up, my eyes clashing with his.If he only knew how many times I wanted to get lost in his eyes and be found by only him.How much he’s burrowed into my soul and left me questioning everything I ever knew about love.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
I frown.“Sorry for what?”I’m the one who should be sorry I can’t voice what I feel.
“I promised I’d be patient and I wasn’t.I’ve been pushing you and that’s not fair of me.”
“Tristan—”
Before I have a chance to try to finally tell him how I really feel—because fuck this stupid brain block—I hear my name called from over my shoulder.I turn my head and catch sight of Lily Sampson.She and her husband, Rick, lived in the house next door to Robbie and me until they moved a few months before he died.We always said we’d stay in touch and get together even though they’d moved to Santa Monica, but then things deteriorated with Kasen, and then Robbie died, and I didn’t even think about Lily or Rick.
“I thought that was you!”she says, walking over to the table.I catch her eyes falling to where Tristan and I are holding hands on top of the table and immediately pull my hand away from him, but not fast enough to miss the way her eyes narrow and her lips purse slightly in judgment.
“Lily.It’s been a long time,” I say, standing up to give her a quick hug.
She returns it and says, “It’s been a difficult year for you.”Her gaze darts to Tristan.“Or has it?”
My face flushes, and my gut clenches painfully as the guilt I’ve been suddenly feeling mixes with shame and anger.Shame because I knew it was too soon and people would judge me for moving on too quickly, and anger at her for being so pointed in her judgment while her eyes still scan Tristan like he’s a tall drink of water.
“Tristan, isn’t it?I think we met once when we were over at Robbie and Jolie’s for a barbecue.You were his best friend, right?”
His eyes narrow and he nods, but he doesn’t stand to greet her and he doesn’t say a word.She glances back at me.“Well, obviously we have a lot to catch up on.We should get together for lunch sometime.”
“Yeah,” I say, the word hard to get out over my suddenly parched throat.She gives me one more hug and tells me to call her to set up our lunch, then walks back to her table where I see Rick sitting.
They aren’t very far away from us, and Rick doesn’t lower his voice, so it’s not hard for me to hear when he says, “Well that didn’t take her long, did it?”
My heart plummets to my stomach, and I instantly want to throw up.
The waitress arrives with our food, but I’ve completely lost my appetite.I can’t look at Tristan, but I can feel the weight of his stare.I’m afraid to meet his discerning gaze because I know he’ll see right through me.
This is too much, too soon.What was I thinking?I should’ve waited.For what, I’m not sure, but suddenly it feels like everyone in the restaurant is staring at us and judging me, despite the fact Lily and Rick are the only two people I know here.
Tristan throws a wad of cash on the table and stands.I finally look up at him, and suck in a harsh breath at the broken look on his face.
“Let’s go,” he says, his voice deep and gruff.