Tears jumped to the back of my eyes as I watched him disappear into the kitchen. I had no idea what was going on with him, but I had a feeling it was something more than just being tired or not feeling well. I’d been so sure that nothing would change in the short time I’d been on the phone, but something obviously had.
I should’ve just told him when I had the chance.
For the first couple of hours after he’d gone inside, I watched TV and stuck around the common areas of the house, hoping he’d come back out and talk to me. As time ticked by, I started realizing that it wasn’t going to happen.
When I eventually gave up and went to bed, a separate one to his, I was miserable and lonely, and I had the strangest feeling that my heart should’ve been broken already. Sure, nothing had really happened yet, but my senses were on fire with the knowledge that something was about to.
Something had gone horribly, terribly wrong while I’d been on that call, and I had a sinking feeling that, whatever it was, things were over between us before they’d even really begun again.
CHAPTER43
BART
“So, I’m thinking that we should leave today,” I said to Serenity early the next morning.
The sun was still low and the morning light soft where she sat out on the deck, holding a cup of coffee between her palms and her knees drawn up to her chest. She looked so unhappy that I instantly felt like an absolute piece of shit.
My heart wanted me to go to her. To wrap my arms around her and tell her everything would be okay. To tell her I’d been angry because I’d overheard her conversation and to ask her if there was anything else about it that I needed to know.
But I didn’t do any of that.
Instead, I stood at the other end of the deck with my own cup of coffee and watched as she slowly turned her upper body to face me. There was no light in her eyes this morning, the blue as flat as the wooden surface we were on.
“Okay,” she said. “Sure. I guess we should go if you want to go.”
I didn’t want to go, but I needed to. Having had some time to think about what I’d heard, I’d calmed down enough to have realized that I’d probably overreacted. Serenity was a nice person. A good one. I knew our connection hadn’t only been about the money and I knew she was hurt by how I’d treated her yesterday.
At the same time, the magic of the trip was gone, and as such, I didn’t see the point in hanging around here for a few more days. I didn’t doubt that she was fond of me and that she genuinely had enjoyed our adventures, but if I kept tricking myself into thinking that she shared the intense feelings I had for her, I was just going to get hurt.
More hurt, anyway.
It was time to pack it in. She’d primarily been in this for the money, which was fine. I’d known from the start what that money could mean for her, and I’d known she’d only accepted my invitation in order to get the payment I owed her.
The truth of it was that she’d gone above and beyond what I’d asked of her for the trip, and I was the one who’d messed up and caught feelings. None of that was her fault, and I shouldn’t have been so surprised by anything I’d overheard because when I really thought about it, I’d known it all along.
It shouldn’t have been news to me that she was excited to get home and get started. In fact, it hadn’t been news to me. I’d known about that, too. I’d simply fooled myself into believing that somewhere along the way, things had changed.
Obviously, they hadn’t, and that was fine, too. I wasn’t pissed off anymore. I just needed to protect myself from now on. And that meant getting some space from her for now. Eventually, I’d tell her everything. I’d confess that I’d fallen in love with her and that I’d acted so coldly because I’d been angry about finding out that she didn’t love me back.
Eventually wasn’t today, though. Today, I just needed to get through what I needed to get through. I needed to get her home, and then I needed to throw myself into practice until it stopped hurting so much.
It hurt so much more to lose her this time around, even though we hadn’t been together for years and I hadn’t even really had her. It justhurt. Because I’d really thought that this was it for both of us. That we’d live happily ever after and be together forever.
“Bart?” she said quietly, and the sound of her voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
“Yeah?” When I focused on her again, my heart stammered in my chest. Her face was pale under her light tan and the corners of her mouth were turned down. Those eyes were still flat, but they always looked like they’d been filling with tears while I’d been off in my head. She’d since blinked the tears away, but it didn’t look like they’d gone very far.
“Can I at least finish my coffee before I go pack?” she asked, and the question hit me like a punch right to the center of my chest.
“Of course,” I said, raising my own mug in her direction. “To a wonderful trip. Thanks again for coming with me.”
“You’re welcome,” she said, giving her mug a half-hearted lift before bringing it to her lips and turning back to the ocean. “Thanks for bringing me with you. I had a great time.”
“So did I,” I admitted. Despite the fact that she hadn’t fallen in love with me like I’d hoped, we’d had a good time together—and not just because of the sex. “None of these experiences would’ve been the same without you. It was fun.”
“Yes, it was,” she said, not looking back at me again. “Can I ask you something?”
“Shoot,” I said, even if I’d lie my ass off if she asked me what had happened. I didn’t usually lie, and especially not to her, but this? I just wasn’t ready to tell her the truth yet. “What’s up?”