As I listened, my entire being started turning to stone. Every word coming out of her mouth was like a sucker punch to the gut. Context or no, there really were only so many ways to interpret what she was saying. She wasn’t being very cryptic about it at all.
This was still just about the money to her. She’d said it pointblank. Sure, she also said she’d been having fun, but her main priority was still the cash she’d be getting for coming with me. From the beginning, I’d known this was all about her career, but I’d really thought things had changed.
When it dawned on me that it hadn’t, it was like someone was taking a piece of razor wire to my chest and wrapping it tightly around my heart before they yanked on it. And it fucking hurt. Badly.
Serenity laughed again, completely oblivious to the fact that she was tearing me up inside. On the other hand, as long as she got the fucking money, I doubted she’d care even if she did somehow find out.
“I know how lucky I am,” she said. “I’ve seen some of the most amazing places and done some of the most amazing things, and I’m still getting paid for it. There’s more to it, but trust me, I know how lucky I am. This has been quite a ride.”
I almost snorted out loud.It certainly has been quite a ride.
In fact, she’d been ridingmejust about as much as she wanted while also laughing and singing all the way to the fucking bank.Yeah. That’s it. I’ve heard enough.
There was no way I was sticking around for more of this torture. I’d known the money was important to her, which was why I’d offered it to her in the first place, but this was just getting ridiculous. She was making it sound like she might as well have been traveling with anyone, and like I had nothing to do with anything at all.
Meanwhile, I’d fallen head over heels in love with her and I’d only enjoyed the trips as much as I had because I’d shared them with her. All these places and experiences wouldn’t have meant half of what they had if I’d been alone or if I’d had anyone else with me.
My heart squeezed, making it difficult to breathe.I need to get away from here.
Almost stumbling as I held a hand to my chest and massaged it like that might take the fucking pain away, I turned and marched back outside. The only silver lining in all of this had turned out to be Leah’s timing.
I’d been seconds away from telling Serenity how I felt, and that would’ve been the biggest mistake I’d ever fucking made. At least this way, I’d been saved the embarrassment of her knowing that, like a total fucking idiot, I’d gone and fallen for her again.
It wasn’t much of a consolation, but I hadn’t made a fool of myself. I could go home with my head held high, throw myself into practice, and once I won my tournaments, I could focus on finding a girl who wanted to travel with me for me. Not for the fucking money.
Also, I’d now officially paid for sex.Just fucking great.
I didn’t really know how to handle this, but I wondered if she expected a fucking tip for putting out on the road. Or maybe the orgasms were enough extra payment.
Stop it.I blew out a heavy breath as I walked back out onto the deck, swigging back the rest of my champagne before going to the bar to find something stronger. I couldn’t let my head run away with me now. All I had to do was get through the rest of this fucking trip, which I was very tempted to end right here and right now, and then I could spin out as much as I wanted to.
For now, though, while we were still here and she could be getting off the phone any minute, I had to keep it together. If I didn’t, I’d still be making a fool of myself, and I refused to be pitied on top of having had my heart torn to fucking shreds.
So no, I’ll keep it together for now. But I really hope she doesn’t think I’m fucking paying for it again.
CHAPTER42
SERENITY
On the phone to Leah, I lay flat on my back on one of the guest beds, smiling at the ceiling as I told her more about the song and my plans once I got home. Despite the brave and confident tone of my voice as I spoke, I was more nervous about how things would go than I could even put into words.
Speaking to Leah always made me feel like I could conquer the world since she believed in me so much, but doubt was also still lurking in that deep crevasse someplace near my heart. As we kept talking, I finally found an in to tell her the truth.
“You know, I might have started all this because of my career, but despite all that, the money isn’t even important to me anymore. It’s great that I’m finally going to be able to afford to record, but if I had to make a choice between the money and Bart, I’d choose Bart in a heartbeat. Hands down. No contest.”
She giggled at the other end of the line. “I knew this was where we were going to end up, but I’m happy for you. Just as long as you don’t forget about all your aspirations now that you’re back together again.”
“Well,” I hedged, dragging the word out. “I haven’t quite told him how I feel about him yet.”
“What?” she screeched into my ear. “Why the hell not? You guys have been alone together for weeks. Please, for the love of God, don’t tell me you’ve been pining for the guy all this time for no good reason. If you haven’t told him, at least tell me there’s a damn good reason.”
“First, I haven’t been pining for him, and second, there is a damn good reason. I haven’t been able to find the right time. We’re finally completely alone, with no tour guides or instructors waiting for us or with us, and I didn’t want to make things awkward for us both by telling him at the beginning of the trip if he didn’t feel the same way.”
“That’s a terrible reason.” I could hear her pouting even if I couldn’t see her. I didn’t need to see her right then to know that she was shaking her head at me. “Good God, woman. Go tell him. What are you babbling on to me about when you should’ve been telling him already?”
“You asked about my songs,” I reminded her. “You asked if I’d been slacking and if I had my ducks in a row so I could get to work as soon as I got home. All I did was answer your questions. I was actually just about to tell him when you called.”
“Why did you pick up the damn phone, then?” she shrieked. “No, Serenity! Just no. It’s been weeks. Weeks! Go tell him. Right now.”