It was like there was a voice in the back of my head chantinglive, live, live. Everywhere I looked, it was like I saw reminders of death. Of the fact that my time was coming and that I didn’t want it to happen while I still had so much left to do.
I knew it was morbid, and I knew it was simply a byproduct of the grief and everything I’d gone through with my dad before he passed, but I couldn’t shake it. I’d experienced peace in Iceland, but being back home? I just desperately needed to do something that would quiet my mind, and I was hoping this would be it.
After we stopped in the small open field beside the park, we took out the grocery bag and I led Serenity over to a pond nearby. The sun was dropping low over the fields. We wouldn’t have too much time here, but I was glad we were taking what little we had.
There was a concrete bench next to the pond, and my knees nearly buckled at the sight of it and the weight of the memories it brought on. I also smiled, though, since they were good memories. Great ones, really, of how the simplest things in life could be the best.
Serenity took a seat beside me and frowned when I started slicing the grapes into quarters. Unable to keep her curiosity to herself anymore, she leaned forward and spoke in low tones. “Have you lost your mind? What are we doing here? I’m all for fun and surprises, but it’s going to be dark soon and you’ve got a really odd expression on your face. It was almost like you were trying not to cry for a second there, and then suddenly, you were smiling again. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I assured her, then looked up and flicked my finger toward the ducks slowly paddling over to us from the other side of the pond. “Dad and I used to come here at least once a week to feed them. It was usually on a Sunday afternoon, and he’d bring some sandwiches for us so we could eat with them.”
“Bart,” she breathed, her hand coming out to rest on my forearm. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea. Why didn’t you just tell me?”
I shrugged. “The balloon ride was for you, and this is for me, but I still wanted it to be a surprise. It was just something the two of us did together, and I thought it would be nice if we did it together now. I know the whole dead dad thing can become a bit much, so if it starts getting to you, just tell me. We don’t have to keep talking about him and the things we did or wanted to do together. I don’t even really know why I keep talking to you about it.”
“I want to hear about it,” she said immediately. “All of it. You’re grieving, my friend. It’s healthy. Natural. You shouldn’t try to keep it in just because you’re afraid of making other people uncomfortable, but especially not when that other person is me. I yammer on about things to you all the time, and none of it is nearly as important as this.”
“My friend?” I chuckled humorlessly before I shook my head. “Never mind. I know that is what we are now, but it sounds strange to hear you say it.”
She smiled, but there was a sad glimmer in her eyes as she did that made me wonder if I wasn’t alone in developing feelings I shouldn’t have been feeling. Breaking eye contact with me, she sat up a little straighter and glanced at the water. “I think these guys remember you. They sure look hungry to me, so you should probably cut a little faster.”
“It’s a plastic knife,” I objected. “They don’t really come with a sharpening tool, but we have more if you want to help.”
Reaching for the grocery bag, she pulled out another knife and started mimicking me by slicing the grapes into quarters as well. “Don’t people just usually feed them bread? I’ve never seen anyone else cutting their food for them.”
“Dad and I used to feed them old bread, too, but then I read that it’s not healthy for them. Grapes and peas are better, but the grapes are usually too big for them to eat if they’re not cut, and since I don’t want to be responsible for choking a duck, I figure quarters are better than halves.”
“That makes sense. I don’t think I’d ever get over the guilt if we accidentally choked one, so I retract my previous statement. Don’t cut faster. Take your time and do it right. They’ll enjoy their treats more if they don’t die while eating them.”
I chuckled. “My thoughts exactly.”
As we created a little pile of cut grapes between us, I realized that this was working. Talking about my dad to her and being here was making me feel calmer than I had since we’d been back.
“I always meant to bring my dad back here when he was sick to feed these fellas with him one last time, but we never got around to it.”
“Was this another item on your bucket list, then?” she asked. “We can always come back to do it again if you’d like. Anytime.”
“Thanks, I might take you up on that, but no. It wasn’t on my bucket list. I haven’t even thought about doing this for a long time, but when we passed the park on the way to the balloon field, the idea popped into my head and wouldn’t leave. I figured it would be cathartic.”
“Is it?”
I nodded. “Definitely. I needed something like this.”
“Thank you for bringing me with you,” she said quietly as I offered her the bag of peas, mostly thawed by now. She took it, opening it up and setting it down beside the grapes before turning and looking at the slight ripples on the surface of the water as the ducks came closer. “I think it’s great that you and your dad took the time to do something like this together so often. Parents and kids are so rushed sometimes and I get why, but it’s nice when everyone just slows down whenever they can to enjoy some quality time together.”
“That’s true,” I agreed. “When I have kids, I’d like to make a point of doing stuff like this with them. It doesn’t all have to be about fancy playgrounds and expensive toys.”
“Exactly. It’s the simple things that mean more sometimes. My parents did plenty of simple things with us, but I often wonder if my biological parents would’ve done the same.”
Surprised that she was opening up about that when I knew she didn’t do it often, I relaxed back on the bench to listen.
We fed the ducks together and kept talking about things that only she had ever made speaking about easy for me. For once, I stopped wishing things were different between us and wondering if or why they couldn’t be. Instead, I just enjoyed the moment. Times like this had become a rarity for me, and right now, all I wanted was to make this new memory with her.
Everything else could wait.
CHAPTER20
SERENITY