“You sure are doing that.” She lifted a hand out of the water and waved it at our surroundings. “I mean, look at this place. Think about where we’re staying and what we’ve experienced in less than twenty-four hours here. You couldn’t have done it much righter.”
“Well, I could’ve if I’d remembered to tell you that we were flying private. You would’ve had your guitar with you and I could’ve seen your creative process firsthand, which would’ve been very cool.”
I tilted my head, realizing that I still could be a part of it. “Hey, why don’t I buy you a guitar here? I’m pretty sure we could get one delivered to the lodge if there isn’t someplace nearby to pick one up.”
She blinked back her surprise, then smiled like she was touched by the offer even as she shook her head. “Thank you, but no thank you. I’ll just remember to bring it next time.”
Although I was tempted to push the issue, I didn’t. As she’d just pointed out, we hadn’t even been here twenty-four hours yet. Things were going well between us, and I didn’t want to ruin it by being pushy.
I had a feeling that she’d declined because of the money, though, and that bugged me. Guitars weren’t the cheapest things, but it also would be a drop in the bucket of how much I had now. As determined as I was not to waste money, buying Serenity a guitar definitely wouldn’t qualify as that.
Besides, I wanted to spend some of my money on her. I just had to figure out a way to make her realize that she didn’t have to be worried about that with me. I wouldn’t have thought of it as a pity present just because she couldn’t afford to buy one for herself, and I really wouldn’t have expected anything from her in return, but we were walking a financial tightrope with her being so concerned about the money I was spending and paying her, but I needed to find a way off it.
While she was with me, even just as a travel companion, or friend, or whatever we were calling it now, the last thing she needed to be worried about was money. I knew she’d had a tough few years and so had I. What good would all my money do me if I couldn’t spend it on whatever made both of us happy?
Sure, I didn’t want to waste it, but I also didn’t want it just sitting there in the bank when I could be using it to put a smile on her face. Frowning as I leaned back and left her to her thoughts, I contemplated how to make her ease up about the money. It was time for her to realize that I didn’t think about her as a charity case on this trip. I just didn’t know how to do it yet. I’d thought she’d realized it when we’d gotten to the airstrip back in New York, and to a certain extent, I think she had, but obviously, I still had some work left to do on that front.
Thankfully, I’d never been afraid of putting in the work.
CHAPTER14
SERENITY
By the time we got back to the lodge, the sky was overcast. Disappointment raced through me when I realized the implications of it as we walked back into our room.
“Damn. We won’t be able to see the Northern Lights tonight,” I commented as I kicked off my shoes and dropped my backpack on the bed. “I was really hoping we’d be able to. Obviously, I know you were, too.”
He shrugged, peeling off his puffy jacket and hanging it over one of the chairs at our dining-room table. “That doesn’t mean we won’t be able to see them at all. It just means we won’t be seeing them tonight. I’m disappointed, too, but at least we still have time.”
“When did you become the optimistic one in this relationship?” I teased, but even as I did, I realized it was true.
At some point, our roles had reversed and I was now the one who struggled to see the bright side in everything. I was so used to being the one who always noticed the silver lining that my mood dipped once more when it occurred to me that I’d lost even that part of myself somewhere along the way.
Bart nudged me with his elbow when he walked past me, winking and obviously trying to cheer me up. “I learned from the best. You’re not the only one who’s still inspired by the time we spent together. I realized a few years ago that you had a point by always trying to see the best in everything. It doesn’t help to only look at the difficult or bad parts of any situation. There’s always something positive to focus on and it’s a lot easier to get through life when you remember that.”
“It used to come as second nature to me,” I mused. “I seem to have lost that recently, though.”
“You’ll get it back,” he said confidently. “Everyone hits a bad patch every once in a while. You can’t expect yourself to just always be okay regardless of what’s going on in your life.”
“Yeah, I guess. I just wish I knew how to get back to being me, though. I miss knowing who I am.”
“At least it means you’re growing as a person, right? If we always know who we are, wouldn’t it mean we never change? I think not knowing yourself can be a good thing if it means you’re transitioning into the next version of you.”
I groaned, covering my face with my hands and peeking out between my fingers. “Was I this annoying when I was always optimistic about everything?”
He nodded, green eyes wide as he let out a low, rumbling chuckle. “If you think I’m bad, you should’ve heard yourself. There were times when I wanted to tell you to just pout about something, so I’m glad the tables are turned for a change.”
Despite feeling as down as I was, I laughed. Bart had always been good at cheering me up and it seemed that hadn’t changed. “I’m going to go take a shower to wash off the springs. We should probably start figuring out dinner after that. You said they served no meals on the premises?”
“Not a thing. They do stock the kitchen every day, though. I’ll check out what we’ve got while you take a shower. Then I’ll go grab one after you’re done.”
I walked over to my suitcase to get a change of clothes before I headed into the bathroom. I turned the heat up and stepped under the hot spray, trying my best to let it ease my worries. Deciding to focus on the incredible positives of my life at the moment rather than the almost overwhelming negatives, I realized that I still had a lot to be grateful for.
Firstly, although I hadn’t gotten my big break yet, I’d been in the industry for six years and I was still making a living. I got to wake up each morning and know that I would still get to do what I loved that day, which was no small thing. Bart had been right. If I had gotten a high-paying job, I would’ve hated not having the time to write and I would’ve felt guilty for trying to make it.
Second, my name and my songs were out there. People knew about me and every last one of them had told me I was talented. I wasn’t chasing some dream that I didn’t have the skills to back up. Third, I had a loving, supportive family who didn’t discourage me or tell me regularly how stupid I was being by hanging on to my passion.
Finally, I had a friend like Bart in my life who was not only supportive and encouraging, but who was willing to help me without making me feel like I was getting the money for nothing. Those were a lot of good things to have, and considering that financial woes were the greatest con of the life I’d chosen, I realized that having money was nothing in comparison to all the positives.