He held her gaze until her eyes calmed and her face relaxed.
She released his shirt, turned away from him, and started cleaning up the lunch and putting it back in his backpack. There was an uneasy truce in the air. Reed didn’t know if she was going to ditch him or if him promising not to dredge up her past dating life and whatever awful thing had happened would give him more time to date her. If a miracle could happen, he would be the one to break through her walls, be the one to help her heal, and show her that he already loved her and would always be there for her.
Reed got his shoes tied, stood, shook out the blanket and shoved it in his backpack, then put the pack back on. His wet T-shirt against the pack was going to be annoying, but it was the least of his worries.
Esther gave him a forced smile and started back down the trail. Reed felt like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. He wanted to help her heal, but how could he do that if she wouldn’t let him date her and he had no idea what she needed to heal from?
Why had he made that promise?
ChapterFive
Esther was an absolute mess inside as she speed-walked down the trail. Her clothes were damp and her shoes felt uncomfortable, but none of that mattered. If Reed hadn’t warned her he was going to kiss her under that waterfall, she would’ve let him. He was such an honorable and good man, and she wished she wasn’t such a mess. Reed had the power to take her under and make her fall in love like she’d never loved before. When he’d been so beautifully close and told her he was going to kiss her because he was crazy about her, her stomach had flip-flopped happily and she’d almost kissed him before reality had smacked her upside the head.
Instead of letting herself fall for him like any normal woman would, she’d completely flipped out. He probably thought she was nuts. Shewasnuts. She felt out of control, and she hated it. Would all her tendencies to hold on too tight and be needy come back simply from getting too close to love? She hadn’t had a crazy, all-encompassing, trying-to-control someone episode like she had at nineteen ever again. She knew that was because she’d learned how to manage her emotions, but also because she stayed away from intense emotions like romantic love.
The terrifying thing was that part of her thought Reed would be worth letting herself lose control and fall in love. She shoved that away. It was too risky. The Delta Protection Detail needed her right now. Thankfully, Papa knew she would be a huge help to the protection, but he wouldn’t make her Secret Keeper. At one point, he’d entertained the idea, and she’d begged him not to. It had to be someone who was healthy emotionally as well as smart and strong physically.
Most of her family and all her colleagues and friends thought she was steady and level-headed and reasonably not crazy. The joke was on her. Would Reed tell them the truth if he got past her barriers? Roman was the only one, besides her parents and Papa, that she’d ever let close enough to recognize how messed up she was. Then she’d clung to Roman like a monkey trying to make it work, calling and texting nonstop and trying too hard to be “perfect” so he’d never leave her. Of course he’d broken up with her and told her she was insane. What man wouldn’t?
Reed wouldn’t, a stupid voice in her head said.
Yeah, right. It wasn’t fair to saddle an incredible man like Reed with issues like hers. Especially if she put him in danger like she had Roman. Reed’s career alone should remind her to keep her distance.
She was fine. It was fine. Reed would just think she’d flipped out because he pushed too hard and she wasn’t interested. She could convince him of that. It would stink to have to push him away, but look at how she was overanalyzing and stressing. She needed to heed the warning signs but it was hard with Reed being so tender and incredible. He’d said earlier that he “knew and loved her so well.” Had he meant it? What did it matter if he did? She couldn’t let him love her. It had been much easier when she could convince herself his interest was fake.
Falling in love and becoming a mess weren’t on her agenda. Maybe someday, when she knew she was in complete control of her emotional and mental health. When the secret wasn’t at risk.
She almost laughed at herself. Yeah, right. There would always be an excuse to keep from spiraling into addictive control. The secret would always be at risk, and though she knew she could stay on top of her OCD, she’d never be miraculously cured from it. It was part of her. She loved how her therapist explained that OCD didn’t have to be a bad thing. Not only could every hard issue she worked through make her stronger, but OCD in particular made her driven, organized, and accomplished. Those were good things if not taken to excess. But as amazing as Reed was, she could see herself taking their relationship to an obsession far beyond what she’d done with Roman. Yet as she looked back and analyzed, sometimes she wondered if she’d trusted Roman. Sometimes her brothers’ descriptors of him had fit.
She could trust Reed. He was solid, good, impressive, and loyal. If he said he was committed to her, he wouldn’t run if she acted nuts. He’d try to help her through it.
Would trusting Reed make the difference?
As crazy as she’d just acted, grabbing his shirt and begging him to promise not to ask about her past, Reed would probably want to run the other direction rather than commit to her like she was already fantasizing about. He’d kindly get her home and then she’d only see him in passing.
Reed was a very kind person underneath that tough, hot sheriff persona. She could hardly believe how tenderly he’d wiped her feet clean and put her socks on. Her stomach did another flip flop remembering how sweet that had been from such a manly, confident man.
She smiled to herself despite her anguish. He was the “hot sheriff,” and for a minute he’d wanted her. Not any longer. He was smart enough to know you couldn’t fix crazy and he should stay at an emotionally safe distance.
They reached the clearing where his truck was parked far too quickly, and Carl popped out of his sport utility and approached them. “Good news,” he said. “Garret Thomson packed up his camp and left a few hours ago. Josh called in a favor with a buddy in Colorado Springs and he confirmed that Mr. Thomson is home. Safe and sound.” He smiled broadly at Esther. “Just like you’re safe and sound, Miss Delta.”
Esther gave him a watery smile. “Thank you, honey. That is great news.”
It was. Fabulous news. No stalker. No guy after the secret. No need for her and Reed to pretend they were dating any longer. She risked a glance at him. He was staring intently at her.
“Bye. Thanks again.” She waved to Carl and hurried for Reed’s truck. He caught up to her, got her door, and helped her climb up. His hands on her waist made her long for more. She wanted him to keep touching her, keep flirting with her, keep wanting her.
Already, she was weak for him. Two dates with Reed were too much for her weak heart. He was too much. Too irresistible. Too hot. Too kind. Too smart. Too fun to be around and talk to. Too fun to kiss.
She put a hand unconsciously to her lips as he walked around, stowed his backpack in the backseat, and then climbed in the driver’s seat. Heat flushed through her as she remembered their kiss yesterday. Their one and only kiss, and she had only initiated it to get a stalker off her back. She didn’t regret it. At least she’d have the memory to cherish.
He looked at her fingers touching her lips. “You all right?”
She pulled her hand away and nodded. “Yes, great. Great news about Garret leaving. Perfect.”
He studied her for long enough that it was uncomfortable. She forced a smile and said the first excuse she could think of. “Sorry, sweetie, but do you mind if we rush home? I’ve got to pee like a racehorse.”
He let out half a laugh at that. “Like a racehorse?”