And I really need the distraction right now. I glance at the clock again, fidgeting slightly and sighing under my breath.
Kade’s meeting with his coach and the owners to find out if they are going to reinstate him. They have my notes. He’s facing retirement and the other player was yanking his chain about losing his job. He shouldn’t have let it get to him but he did. He’s made great gains as far as his temper goes. Lately, he’s been much more mellow and happy. He’s been cracking jokes about getting to finally take some time off. He seems like a changed man.
I still see the need in his blue eyes though and it’s got me so damn on edge it’s not funny. When he left the last time he told me he’d be seeing me soon and I laughed, telling him that it wan’t necessary if he was reinstated.
A little smile curled his full lips and he chuckled. “That’s not why I’ll be seeing you and you know it, doc. I’m being good right now because of your job and mine, but as soon as I’m able…I’ll be good in a whole new way.”
His eyes raked down my body and it took every bit of self-control I had not to say screw it and climb him like a damn monkey up a tree.
But I love my job. I like helping people cope with all the things out there in the world that can make life a hard, dark place. It will always hurt when I lose a patient. Hell, it should. If I ever get to the point where it doesn’t hurt, I don’t think I can be a doctor anymore. I have to care. We all need to care.
I smile at my new patient when she finally says something and we spend the next five minutes chatting lightly about her job. Her possible new promotion and how nervous it’s making her. She’s having trouble sleeping.
I nod and lean forward. Our time is up but I want to dig a little deeper since she’s finally talking.
“Can you tell me what’s making it hard for you to sleep?”
She flushes and her eyes lower. “I keep having these dreams.”
I nod, encouraging her. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“It’s always the same dream. There’s a man in it. And he seems nice at first and then he gets a mean look on his face.”
“Do you know his face? Remember him from somewhere?”
She shakes her head but I feel her hesitation. “Are you sure?”
“He looks like an old friend that I had when I was younger.” I smile. She’s only in her thirties and she’s making it sound like she’s ancient.
“What happened to him?”
“He died. He was in an accident on the way over to see me.” I nod and jot down a note before looking up at her over the top of my glasses.
“You feel guilty.” It’s not a question. I can see it on her face.
“Yeah,” she sighs and falls back into the couch. Her hands rub at her eyes and then she drops them to her lap, chafing lightly at her wrists. “He was tired but I wanted him to come over. I hadn’t seen him for a few days and I really wanted to see him. I begged him to come over.”
“And he did.”
“Yeah. And on the way over, his car was hit by a car driven by a drunk driver. They crossed the center line and hit him head on.”
“Have you started anything new lately?”
“Like what?” she asks, her eyes lifting to mine. I can see the pain and it’s a wrench at my heart but I keep tugging at all the little strings until I find the stitch that unravels the mystery.
I lean back and rest my notebook on my lap. “When was the last time you dated?”
“A couple of weeks ago.”
“And before that?”
“Not since his accident.”
I lean forward and touch her hand lightly. “I’m always here if you need to talk but I think you know why you’re having these dreams. You feel guilty about your boyfriend. And subconsciously you’re trying to sabotage this new relationship. You don’t want to be happy when he died. But there’s no way if he loved you he’d want you to be alone and suffering so much pain.”
“You think so?”
“If a man loves you, I firmly believe that he would never want you to be alone and unhappy for the rest of your life if something happens. So I want you to think about that. And try to get some sleep. If you need anything you call me.” I hand her my card. “My cell number is on there and you can reach me day or night.”