We talk a lot about my pottery. I don’t know how, but Mariam manages to convince me to make at least one thing this week to bring to her next week. I don’t know why I agree, but I can feel the excitement bubbling inside of me at the mere idea of having somebody outside of my family tell me their thoughts on my artwork.
What I don’t tell her, though, is how I miss my baby more now than ever. With a clear head, I constantly think about her.Her.I really do believe it would’ve been a girl, even if I hadn’t gotten far enough along to know. It’s worse now, with Devon and Owen expecting. For the past three days, the memory of what could’ve been has kept me up at night. I don’t tell Mariam, though, because it hurts way too fucking much to think about it. I don’t want to be burned if I talk about it.
Chapter56
Devon
Ireach out and grab the phone, hesitating before pressing it to my ear. Being in here doesn’t suit Kate. It’s like her entire life force has been sucked out of her. She wears no makeup, the dark circles beneath her eyes are more profound than ever before, and her shoulders have sagged. The orange jumpsuit hangs from her body, looking a little too big for her, but I assume it’s to make it easier if she’s still in here when the baby inside her starts to make itself known. The last thing she needs is to be wearing a tight-ass jumpsuit that will constrict her and the baby.
My baby.
It’s still so strange to think those words. I never imagined that I would have a child with Kate. It was always Gracie in my mind’s eye. I’m not sure how to handle this. I feel so frazzled. I’m not going to abandon the kid, of course. I will be its father in every way possible. I will do anything Kate asks of me for the child, minus marrying or getting back with her. I’m not abandoning this child. It just feels so fucking weird.
“Hi,” Kate greets tiredly from the other phone and smiles at me through the glass.
I don’t return it. I only grip the phone tighter, my teeth clenching hard together as I glower at her. I’m not happy with her for everything she helped. Obviously knowing this, Kate’s smile fades, and she sighs heavily into her receiver, my end bristling with the sound.
“I know.” She nods, her unkempt hair bobbing on her shoulders. “I’m sorry, I really am.”
I shake my head, unamused by her shit apology. “Why did you do that?”
Kate licks her dried lips, and that’s when I notice her red-rimmed eyes. “I was angry, mostly. At first, she was taking all your attention, and I feared she would take you from me. I made the mistake of telling Donna my feelings. She convinced me to help her. Then you broke up with me, and that really hurt. I wasn’t thinking straight when Donna pressed wanting to do worse to her. I really didn’t know she’d have the cops called, though. I didn’t know she planned to get Gracie arrested, I swear. She must’ve decided to do that after Owen broke up with her. I really am sorry.”
I lean towards the glass, clutching the phone as hard as possible between my fingers. I swear it might break; I think I even hear a small crack, but I’m not too sure about that. “She could’ve gone to jail for a fucking long ass time because of you two. If you hadn’t said something, she’d be the one where you are. Except she wouldn’t get any of the deals you probably will get. She’d be stuck for years. You might have a chance at being charged a misdemeanor or something, but she would’ve been slapped with a felony and her entire life ruined when all she’s doing is trying to fix her life.”
Kate grimaces, and a tear rolls from each eye, trailing down her cheeks. “I know that. I wasn’t thinking. But I knew we had to fess up when I realized what Donna did. I’m so sorry, Devon, I really am.”
I huff out air through my nostrils and sit back, eyeing her with pursed lips for a long moment. She doesn’t try to say anything, and that’s probably the best thing decision she’s made in a while.
“How’re you?” I finally ask, my eyes flickering to her stomach.
Kate smiles warily at me, rubbing her eyes. “Tired. That wasn’t the way I wanted to tell you.”
“When did you find out?” I press.
Kate shakes her head. “The night after we broke up. So not too long ago.”
I nod. “How far are you?”
“Thursday is going to be eleven weeks.”
I let out a huff of a breath, surprised by her explanation. Eleven to twelve weeks ago, our condom broke. I remember that. But Kate was on some birth control implant, or at least, I think she was. Maybe it was a shot. Did she forget to go and get it? Maybe she got it too late, and the baby was already conceived? I don’t ask, though. I don’t even know how to ask that. I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes, trying to calm my racing heart.
Eleven weeks will be just over three and a half months. Six months tops, and I will be holding a little bundle that will require me to provide for them, love them, and everything else in the world for the rest of my life. I will have a little dependent who will need me to ensure they survive.
“Gracie isn’t going anywhere,” I blurt as I open my eyes and look at her sternly. “I’m going to be with her, Kate. I’m going to marry her. She’s going to be in this baby’s life too. Gracie’s smart, though. She knows you’re the baby’s mother and will always respect that.”
Kate nods dully. “I know, Dev. I’ve thought about that a lot while I’ve been in here. You and Gracie are meant for each other. I think I’ve always known that and just hoped I could have you all to myself. Even before she came back, I knew you belonged to her. The way you always talked about her, worried about her. You never said it, but I’ve known how much you love her since the beginning.”
Guilt twists in the pit of my stomach, and I smile tightly at her, trying to be as gentle as possible, but even I know it looks forced to someone looking at me from the outside. “I’m sorry,” I start, but the words just sound so hollow on my lips that I stop.
I can’t apologize for how my heart wants to live. I accepted the same truth a long time ago myself. Apologizing for it is just plain stupid.
“I’m not going to stop you from seeing the baby or anything because of her. I’m not a bitch, Devon. I went a little crazy, and I am sorry for that, but I’m not a bitch. I know you’ll be an amazing dad, and I will never deny you from being exactly that.”
I smile in gratitude to her, relieved to hear that. Kate really is a good woman. She’s attractive. I can’t deny that. But she just isn’t who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
“Can I ask you something?” she asks, her voice low on the phone, sadness glittering in her eyes when I look at her again.