Chapter39
Gracie
Being fully naked in front of men is not new to me. Two or more at a time wasn’t unheard of in my past. I can remember times when money was scarce, and I’d strip down to give someone a full view. I’d even climb into bed with the monster if I needed to. But that’s all in the past now. Even though I don’t want it to count, I know it does. Because of it, I feel gritty while standing in front of the bed of the two men. I feel like I’m trying to get something out of it yet again.
So, I cross my arms over my breasts and shy away from them. Right now, they’re messing around, clad only in their whitey-tighties. It doesn’t help my situation that I’m the only one fully naked, and it’s so similar to those nights I would strut around just for a couple of syringes to get me through the night.
I can feel the pressure in my chest building, ready to burst into tears.
I hate this. Because I want this, I really do. I love how lean the men’s bodies are and how hairy they are. Jasper has long hair, and Luke’s, well, it isn’t short, but it isn’t terribly long either. It grazes his ears, which I think is odd for a lawyer but hell. I’ve never been this close to a lawyer before without being the one they were defending. All mine had buzz cuts. Maybe he does something different than what I’ve been associated with; it would explain the hair.
They aren’t drug dealers looking for a fix to give me a fix, and I have to remind myself that. I’m not here to shoot up. I’m here to find myself.
So why the hell can’t I get out of this head space?
“Gracie?” Luke asks, drawing me out of my thoughts as he sits on the edge of the bed in front of me. “Are you all right? You look a little shaken up.”
I don’t miss the way his eyes graze down my body, lingering for moments at the right places. I can feel the heat flush across my cheeks. I like the way he’s looking at me. With appraisal and something else, a little… what is it, hunger? Devon looked at me the same way the other night. I remember that Owen used to look at me the same way. I want Colton to look at me this way as well, but that will have to wait.
I don’t notice I’ve stepped forward until I’m wavering just feet in front of Luke. He’s waiting patiently; his head tilted back slightly as he looks up at me.
“You’re just an alcoholic,” I start slowly, and he nods in confirmation. “I’m a junkie and alcoholic. When I was…. Doing all that? I did things I’m not proud of, and sometimes my brain reminds me of it.”
He smiles in understanding, and I swear, my knees are about to lock and make me faint. Do women faint in real life? Is that a thing outside of movies?
Luke opens his arms and waits for me to step hesitantly into them. As I get within touching distance, he pulls me the rest of the way, presses his forehead against my chest, and I trail my trembling fingers through his hair.
Luke wraps his arms around my waist when he looks up at me. “You don’t have to be ashamed of who you are when you’re with us, Gracie. That’s what I was trying to tell you earlier. You can be who you are, flaws and everything.”
Jasper takes a spot next to Luke, more serious-looking than his friend is. “Do you want to do this, Gracie? Remember, this is all about communication and consent.”
I hesitate. I don’t want to back out and seem like a chicken. I can still learn things without being in bed, can’t I?
“It isn’t that I don’t want to,” I start slowly, my eyes roving over them. “You’re both very handsome, but—”
“Your mind is just in a place it shouldn’t be right now,” Luke supplies gently. “We understand that. You see, this is another thing. We’re all on the same page together.”
I nod and pull out of Luke’s embrace, locating my bra and underwear from the ground. I quickly pull them on and instantly start to feel better. I join the two men on the bed, Jasper scooting over to give me the middle place.
“Having this type of relationship isn’t easy. Honestly, I think it’s harder than a monogamous relationship. You have to think of everybody, not just you and one other person. You must respect everybody’s boundaries and please everybody the way they prefer. It’s kind of like a little community. You have to figure out what works for your group and how it’ll work. Living arrangements, chores, life. Like a little family.”
Now we’re getting somewhere. These two have been pulling me along all evening, but I haven’t minded. I don’t even mind us almost having sex, but my nerves are too jumbled up right now.
“How do I know if I really want more than one?”
“Because you do,” Jasper pipes in. “Luke’s told me about how you talk about these guys. You do want them; your heart doesn’t want to settle on one.”
I stare at the ground, frustration boiling in me. Do I want these two guys as well? They belong to another chick, who by now, I’m pretty sure, has royally fucked up in the relationship. I lay back on the duvet, staring up at the ceiling. The bed dips on both sides of me, and they each take my hand on their sides, clasping tightly.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to take this or what I’m supposed to do. Is this the beginning of something? I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to keep the tears held back. I’m more confused than before now. I want to be with Devon and Colton; if I ever get Owen back, that’ll be a miracle. Now these two guys. I don’t know if I want to be with them, but I like them.
“I should go,” I announce and sit up abruptly, tearing my hands out of theirs.
“I can drive you,” Jasper offers.
I look at the clock next to the door and hesitate. It’s well past nine at night. After a moment, I nod in agreement and snatch up my clothes, pulling them on.
“Gracie, if we made you uncomfortable—” Luke starts but stops when I put up a hand and turn back to him.