I draw back, knowing he can’t touch me. Because if he does and I allow it, only bad can come from the whole thing. Well, okay, not entirely bad, but I’d definitely be going against my own words from before. I’d be planting false hope in the both of us. I can’t risk that, not right now. Not when I’m still so confused about everything.
So, I do the one thing I know will keep him at arm’s length for the time being.
“I slept with a lot of men before. When I was drunk or high, I didn’t care. I just slept with them. A lot.”
Pain flashes in his eyes just as I had suspected it would. Guilt twists in my stomach, knowing that I’m only doing it so he keeps his distance. It’s a terrible way to do it, but it does the job. Devon backs up and puts his hands up in surrender.
“All right,” is all he says and turns, retreating to his bedroom.
He shuts the door heavily but not as hard as Kate slammed the front door. Left alone in the living room, I feel empty all over again. Like I have for the last few months, I feel at a complete loss.
My feet carry me to the refrigerator, and my hand pulls the door open. Within are Devon’s beers. There are two left now, which tells me he’s been drinking them, or at least whoever’s been in the apartment has been. Not me, but I want to. I want to drink the booze or get high, but the latter of the two I can’t as easily access. I would prefer the drugs, but booze will do for now.
Booze will make me forget everything. I can pretend nothing else exists, even if only for just a little while. I can go back and simply focus on being drunk or high. Nothing else will matter. I won’t have to worry about what people will think of me or what I’m going to do day in and day out. I won’t have to go to therapy sessions or meetings constantly. I won’t have to feel guilty about anything again because I will be so focused on just feeling drunk or high that it won’t matter. I can go back to how things were.
“Gracie!” Devon’s thundering voice snaps my head up, and my eyes flash to him. “What’re you doing?”
I blink and look down at my hand, taking in the beer I am clasping. I don’t even recall grabbing it. Thinking about it, sure, but actually grabbing it? No, I don’t remember that at all.
Devon strides over me and takes the beer from me, which I don’t fight. Devon puts the beer back into the refrigerator, closes it with a snap, and then pulls me away from the cold box. Holding my hand tightly, he pulls me into his bedroom and closes the door behind us.
“Devon—” I start, but he turns to me, shaking his head.
His eyes blaze with anger, nostrils flaring. “Are you fucking serious? After all that about the cocaine not being yours, you come home and go straight for the fucking beer?”
I hold my tongue, knowing it's useless to try and argue. There’s no way he will understand if I try to explain things. It doesn’t matter what he specializes in as a therapist. He won’t understandme.
Devon takes a slow breath, rubbing his forehead and throwing his hands up before he steps over to his bed and plops down onto it. He leans forward and drops his head into his hands. After a moment, he drags his fingers down his face and looks at me with raised eyebrows.
“All right, what is you want, Gracie?” he asks, the corners of his eyes suddenly drooping as if he’s gone three weeks without sleep.
“What?” I ask, startled by the question.
Devon doesn’t blink or fidget. He just stares at me. “What is it you want? You want to go back to being high and drunk? You want to live life on the streets because you don’t have money for anything else? You want your family to turn their backs on you? Or do you want to be better? You need to seriously make a decision.”
I blink, my lips parting to say something, but I don’t know how to respond to that.
After a moment of nothing but silence, Devon sighs and lets his shoulders drop before opening his arms wide. He expects me to scurry to him and curl myself into his arms, to let myself be secure within them and know that I am safe with him. He expects it, and I can’t help but do it. I crawl into Devon’s lap like I used to and lay my head on his chest as his arms wrap around me, holding me to him. His lips brush against my hair, and we stay like this for quite a few minutes, neither of us wanting to break the silence in case it breaks everything else.
When I used to get upset, he’d do exactly this. We’d just sit and listen to each other’s heartbeats for what felt like hours on end. Like now. I close my eyes, letting myself fall back into old habits. I wanted this for so long, and I'm finally getting it back. So why the hell does it feel so wrong? Why does it feel like I don’t deserve this?
My hand clutches at air, and as I pull away from Devon, I look down at my empty ring finger, realization dawning on me.
“I can’t do this.” I pull out of his grip and drop from his lap to stand in front of him. “I hurt you.”
Devon shrugs with a shake of his head. “I’m over it.”
I wave my hand at him as if that makes what I’m saying more definite. “I sold the ring, Devon. For fucking drugs. Do you get that? Why aren’t you angry with me?”
Devon rubs his face, and that’s when I see the shadow of his beard. He’d only let it grow thick once I asked him to, just so I could see what it looked like. Shit, he was sexy with a beard, but he always complained it was itchy and uncomfortable. Now, as a therapist, he has to be clean-shaven and look professional. Maybe I can get Colton to grow a beard?
“I was angry with you. I was pissed and hurt and everything else, Gracie. But living your life in anger is not a way to live. It just makes everything else terrible. It sucks. Besides, watching you for nearly a year work through your sobriety and trying to get your life on track has made me realize that it wasn’t you who had sold the ring; it was the drugs. It was the addiction. I can’t be mad at you for something you didn’t have a choice on.”
I can’t stop myself as I step forward and cup his cheeks, kissing him hard. Instantly, his arms wrap around my waist, lift my feet from the ground and turn us both over so I fall on the bed, and he’s on top of me.
Chapter33
Devon