Colton slides the mug across the counter, throwing me a smile. “What’re friends for?”
The question stings my heart. Friends? I shake my head. “Is that what we are? Friends?”
He looks at me with arched eyebrows. “Is that what you want to be?”
I don’t reply. I don’t know.
“Gracie,” he says gently but sternly. “We don’t have to label anything or move so quickly. Nothing like that, all right?”
I don’t have a toothbrush here, so I’m pretty sure my breath stinks. I want to kiss him. His full lips are just asking me to press mine to them, but I still myself. Instead, I grab my mug and take a giant drink from it to keep from kissing him. When I lower the mug, I look up at him beneath my eyelashes somewhat shyly.
“Well, I guess we can call last night a second date if you want.”
He grins and nods in agreement, taking a giant gulp of his coffee as well. My dream drifts back into the forefront of my mind, fresh. I push it aside, desperate to forget it and just focus on the moment.
Chapter25
Devon
Kate and I have sat in silence for the last ten, maybe fifteen minutes, watching whatever mindless crap show is on. It’s something she picked, a sitcom, or something family-friendly. I didn’t really pay attention to the name; now, I’m only staring at the screen to keep my eyes somewhere.
When it finally goes to a commercial, Kate mutes the television and rises, snatching up her empty coffee mug to refill it. She also grabs mine, not even bothering to ask if I want a new cup. After almost three years together, she knows me well enough to know that I function on up to three cups of coffee on a good day. Today is a bad day. I didn’t sleep well at all. I tossed and turned, couldn’t get comfortable, and my mind wouldn’t shut up. Even with Kate lying next to me, I just couldn’t get myself to shut down and go to bed.
I did fall asleep sometime in the middle of the night. I’m pretty sure it was well past midnight when I finally passed out, though. I can definitely feel it. I just want to go back to bed, but I know I’ll just end up in the exact same position as the night before. I won’t be able to fall asleep.
Because the door to Gracie’s room has remained closed all night and the apartment's front door has to since Kate and I got here. Gracie didn’t come home, and neither did Owen. It’s natural for Owen to spend nights at Donna’s or even his parents to get a break. Donna refuses to stay here, and I suspect it’s because of Gracie. But still, I’m used to him being gone now and again. Gracie, on the other hand, has always come back. Except last night after we’d dropped her off at that damn diner. I don’t like Colton. Well, I sort of do. He’s cute, but not enough to catch my eye. Apparently, he is to Gracie since she has her attention on him. I hate him for that. I hate that he has Gracie, and I don’t.
I shake my head and pinch the bridge of my nose. That’s a dumb thought. I have Kate. She’s beautiful; I’m not blind to that. She’s kindhearted, has a stable job, and wants to be a wife and mother. The perfect combo for a man like me who wants the same things. But my heart and mind are on the woman who’s a drug addict, alcoholic, gambler, and a complete mess. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but that’s who I want to settle down with, and now I feel it slipping away from me. Which means I need to accept that she’s moved on, and I have to keep my focus on Kate. Because Kate doesn’t deserve a boyfriend who’s in love with another girl.
“Here you are,” she chirps, the clinking of the mug drawing my eyes to it as she sets it on the coffee table.
“Gracie still isn’t home,” I say the words before thinking them out. “She didn’t come home last night.”
“You’d know,” Kate says bitterly, her eyes avoiding me. “You were up and down checking every hour.”
I blink, furrowing my eyebrows in confusion. “Why’re you mad about that? She’s my roommate. I was just concerned—”
“We dropped her off ourselves, Devon. There was no need to be up and down all night,” she snaps but sits back down next to me, cupping her hands around the mug and staring down into her coffee.
This close, I can tell it's pure black. Black coffee isn’t Kate’s favorite, and I know she only ever drinks it when she’s truly tired and trying to keep herself from falling asleep. Did she really not get enough sleep last night because of me?
She looks at me suddenly, her mouth set. “You love her.”
It’s not a question. It’s a straight-up accusation, the truth spoken. I stare at her, trying to figure out what to say to that. I don’t want to lie. Somehow, Kate always knows when I lie anyway.
“She was my first love; I don’t think I’ll ever get over that,” I tell her and sit up, reaching for my coffee. “Which means I will always care, Kate. But I’m with you. We’re together.”
When I glance at her, I see her lips pursed but sadness in her eyes. I know she wants me to love her the way I do Gracie, but I can’t make myself. I love Kate in the way I need to for us to be together. But I don’t love her for the way to ask for her hand in marriage, to make babies with her, or have a long life with her. Years of dating, that’s all I’ve got, and it’s all I can promise her. I’ve always been honest about that. I’ve always told her I have no plans to ask her to marry me. She deserves so much better to have her dream of becoming a mother come true. Sometimes, I feel like I’m quite literally stringing her along.
“Maybe you need to move out,” she suggests. “You can move in with me, or we can get our own little apartment together. You can actually save the money you put into this apartment.”
I shake my head. “I don’t even pay on this apartment, Kate. I help with groceries and other bills. Not rent—”
“Because Gracie’s dad pays for it,” she recites, her tone sharp as she turns to glare at me. “Is that seriously how you want to live the rest of your life? Having your ex-girlfriend's dad pay for everything? That’s really pathetic, you know.”
I grimace at her words. “No, that isn’t—”
“It is.” She cuts me off. “Devon, you’re mooching off your ex-girlfriend’s dad. You live with your ex-girlfriend. Regardless of the fact she was your first love. You have to get over her, and the only way you’re going to do that is by not seeing her every single morning when you wake up.”