“I was supposed to have the baby about three months ago,” I continue, my voice crackling as I force it to stay in audible hearing range for those in the back. “I was supposed to have a baby, to be a mom.” I squeeze my eyes closed and push the tears down my cheeks. “I stay up at night, listening to the silence. There’s supposed to be a baby crying. There’s nothing.”
My words fall away. I can’t speak anymore as the sobs escape, but I quickly wipe at the tears, sniveling before pushing myself off the podium and standing back, opening my eyes again as I wipe them quickly once more. “I got sober for her or him. Because I didn’t want that to happen again, I couldn’t. I left the guy too. It’s hard to talk about it, but I really am glad I chose this path. I know I did the right thing.”
With that, I step around the podium and return to my seat, clasping my hands together. A nudge to my side tells me that my sister wants my attention, but I only shake my head. I don’t want to look at her. Nudging me again, more persistent this time, I shrug her off and snap my head up. She gives me a tight smile and jerks her head towards the back. I twist around, and my heart plummets into my stomach as my eyes land on who she’s motioning for me to look at.
Two wide pairs of eyes stare back at me; both of their mouths are slightly parted in what is obviously shock. Shock at my words. They hadn’t been there before. I was sure of that. But I had closed my eyes a few times while talking. For all I knew, they could’ve snuck in at one of those moments. Jerking back around, I face forward as another drunk or drug addict or whatever it is they are, takes my place up front. Their words become a garbled mess in my ears, my stomach clenching. I suddenly feel sick. I want to hurl. Acid gurgles up my throat, scorching it, and I must swallow it to keep it from overflowing.
Two others follow suit before the meeting is released. I don’t even realize that the time had clicked away. I’d almost been convinced I was stuck in one solid moment that would last an eternity. I feeltheireyes burning into the back of my skull the entire time, accusatory glares. I feel confined, my chest aching with the desire to breathe in full gulps of air. It’s almost as if I’m in a small cave, and it has begun to close in on me.
At the words, however, I lurch from my seat and spin, fully intending to escape the room. Fingers curl gently around my wrist to stop me, but it’s such a lax hold that I know I'll be released instantly if I try to pull out. It isn’t meant to hold me back. Still, it stops me, and I turn to face Devon, shoulders tensed.
“Gracie,” he starts, but his words come to a halt as Trish steps up next to me.
“Not now, Devon,” Trish warns and puts a hand on my shoulder, gripping it.
“Not now what?” he questions, eyebrows pulling together in genuine confusion. “I heard what she said. As much as I want to, I wasn’t going to say anything about that. I was just going to ask her to go for coffee with Owen and me. You too, Trish.”
“Coffee sounds good,” she exclaims happily and releases her hold on my shoulder. “I think that’s a good idea.”
I side-eye my sister, trying to look like I’m seething, but my own face is a traitor like hers and gives me away. Trish flashes me a playful grin; face tilted slightly towards me. She’s older but shorter.
Owen steps up next to Devon, making it known just how much taller he is between the two men and jingles his keys towards me. “You wanna drive?” he half teases.
I scrunch my nose but clamp my lips together. I don’t bother denying him. He knows I can’t drive; I’d had my license taken away two years previously from driving under the influence multiple times. Sober now and a good girl, I don’t drive without one. I know I must get that taken care of eventually, but I have to be punished somehow, for the time being, a reminder to stay sober and not let the dark thoughts control me and take me back to a place I don’t want to be.
“I actually have to go,” my sister suddenly announces before we can even move, and I turn, seeing her looking at her phone, absorbed by whatever is on the screen. “You three go ahead and have fun.” She waves and rushes out the door before any of us can say another word to try to keep her.
“Either of you think that was a lie to get away from us?” Owen surmises, shaking his head in amusement. “Come on. The girls are waiting.”
A chill runs down my spine. “Girls?” I ask, dragging my feet behind them as they fall into step.
“Donna and Kate,” Devon replies, glancing over his shoulder to look at me momentarily with a one-shoulder shrug. “They’re meeting us for coffee.”
Always with them. These men never went anywhere without their women, apparently. I bite my tongue, keeping myself from saying something I will only regret later. There is no point in arguing. At least I wasn’t left alone. That’s good, isn’t it? Even if I hate those girls for having what I can’t have, I’m not alone, especially after a share like that when thoughts poke inside my mind and leave me completely vulnerable. Being alone isn’t a good idea. I tend to do bad things when I’m alone.
So, I’ll deal with it. I’ve got to. Friends are better than nothing, and Marcy isn’t here yet. I have nobody else to go with, and my damn sister decided to meddle before finding out the truth behind the coffee run. She is a traitor. But oh well, too late now. I’ll just have to swallow my pride and deal with this.
I’m not alone. At least I’m not alone.
Chapter2
Gracie
“What isshedoing here?” Donna’s voice grates my ears, the whine leaping over the small chitter-chatter that drifts through the café. “Owen, I thought this was just going to be a double date. She’s… she isn’t dating anyone.”
I pretend that I don’t hear what Donna said and cross the little aisle between the table and booth to take a seat at one by myself. The other side of the booth is empty, reminding me of my life. Being sober has its cons, that’s for sure. They say we shouldn’t date for a year, that it's crucial to keep a level head on one’s shoulder. A year is a perfect amount of time to put oneself back together, so we can have the strength it takes to be in a relationship. It isn’t exactly policed, and no one’s going to stop anyone from dating, but it’s a highly suggested thing. Always pressed upon us to remind us that focusing on ourselves comes first before we can focus on anything else.
“Gracie,” Devon starts, grabbing my attention, but his words falter when I look at him.
He isn’t looking at me now. His eyes are focused back on Kate, who looks grumpy and annoyed. I think Donna rubs off on her when she’s around. I know how uptight she can get, but she’s only protecting her relationship. She isn’t a bitch like Donna, so I don’t blame her. But, when Donna is around Kate, she isn’t exactly nice. This brings me back to always thinking that Donna rubs off on her.
I press my lips together in annoyance. I want to know what Devon was going to say to me or if he was going to try and invite me to their table. I would decline, obviously, but still. It would’ve been sweet to see the girls' faces anyway.
“Oh, what a lovely group,” a sweet voice chimes as a waitress skips into appearance. “We’re having a special today, half off for couple’s meals!” she exclaims, clasping her hands together.
She’s a sweet little thing. A teenager, if I had to guess, and full of life. Her cheeks are round, and she’s got a bounce of energy that I can’t remember ever having. Then again, my teenage years were always mixed with drugs and booze. For the most part, I lived in a cloud of both. Those years had been taken from me.
A shot of jealousy zaps through me. Their words go in one ear and out the other as they order. Reaching into my back pocket, I draw out my wallet. I get the feeling that the guys are no longer going to pay and flip it open, checking for any cash. Seeing the holder empty, I pluck out my card, staring at it in disdain. I only have so much on it. Mom makes sure I get a monthly allowance, but my parents are already doing so much for me. I try not to spend as much as possible. One day, I want to pay them back everything.