I wait for it to hurt me.
As the bus picks up speed.
As it rounds the corner.
As it turns into a tiny dot on the horizon, and then to nothing at all.
And after all that, when the hurt still isn’t there, I start walking back home. To a house that will never be the same again.
* * *
I’m almost halfway home when I hear a high-pitched mewling next to the high fence that lines one side of the pavement.
I pause for a moment before the owner of the grating sound makes an appearance.
It’s a tiny, malnourished kitten. Its’ fur is dappled white and ginger and it stares at me with big brown eyes.
“What do you want?” I croak. My voice cracks from the cold.
The kitten just purrs helplessly at me.
I take a step forward, and the creature coils up low on its paws. But it doesn’t bolt like I expected it to.
I crouch down and run my fingers through his mangy fur. After a few seconds, it relaxes a little.
“Do you have a name?” I ask. “Ginger, maybe. No? Too on the nose, huh?”
I sigh and straighten up.
He mewls again.
“I have enough problems, buddy,” I inform the kitten matter-of-factly. “And you’re not one of them.”
I start walking again.
The mewling follows me down the street.
“Whoa, whoa,” I say, turning around and glaring down at the tiny thing. “Did you not just hear me? I’m not gonna take you home with me. You’re not my responsibility. Who do you think I am, Sean?”
The moment I say his name, the loss that I’d been waiting for back at the bus depot hits me.
It hits me so hard that I feel my stomach plummet and my heart rate skyrocket.
I’ve had my big brother around my entire life. He was the one constant that I could count on. My first friend. My first protector.
The one person who stood between me and the force that was Ronan O’Sullivan.
I’m not even sure who I am without Sean.
But I am sure of who he is.
And I wished I’d had the forethought, the fucking presence of mind to have told him that when he was standing in front of me.
He’s no coward.
He’s not weak.
He’s kind. Resilient. Strong. Compassionate.