I know how deeply he feels things.
And how long he’s worked to numb that part of himself.
This time, I’m the one who grabs his arm and pulls him away from the house in the neck of the cul-de-sac.
It’s a walk at first.
Then it’s a run.
Then we accelerate into a full-on sprint. Like we can leave behind all the pain we just caused if only we move fast enough.
* * *
We don’t stop until we’ve cleared the neighborhood.
I pull Sean into an empty street opposite a massive laundromat that looks like it’s seen better days.
It takes a long moment to catch our breaths.
A few civilians walk past us, but apart from a few curious looks, no one pays us any real attention.
“Come on,” I say, gesturing towards a small park just across the street.
There are benches set up right in front of a rusty looking swing set. The moment Sean sits down, he balances his elbows on his knees and covers his face with both hands.
“Sean?” I ask, sitting down next to him. “What’s wrong?”
Sean pulls down his hands and looks at me incredulously.
“What’s wrong?” he repeats. “What’s fucking wrong? What do you think is wrong, Cil?”
“I know shit didn’t go as planned—”
“We were fucking ambushed by the Kinahans,” Sean interrupts. “We failed the pickup. We…”
His eyes dart around as though he’s worried we’re going to be ambushed again. I’ve never seen him look so out of control.
“Yeah,” I say with a shrug, “but shit happens.”
“Not shit like this,” Sean growls through gritted teeth. “Not like this…”
“Sean—”
“I shot him,” Sean blurts.
“Uh, you missed actually,” I point. “The fucker got away.”
“Not Murtagh!” he snaps at me. “Padraig Connelly. I shot the bastard.”
“It was a mistake.”
“Did you try telling that to his daughter?” Sean barks at me. His voice cracks with anguish.
“Brother,” I say, putting my hand on his shoulder, “you were trying to stop Brody…”
Sean shakes me off without so much as blinking. “He could die right there. Tonight. And if he does, he’ll die in front of his daughter. When she thinks of me, she’ll think of me as her father’s murderer.”
I’ve only ever seen Sean break down once before in my life.