“Fuck,” I mutter. “I had no idea.”
“Yeah, well, he’s not exactly the most expressive fellow,” Kian says with a shrug.
I drag a chair over to where Kian is sitting. Then I twist it around and straddle it.
“I saw her watching those tapes and—I don’t know… I kinda seized up,” I admit. “I must have looked like an uptight prick.”
“So, like Da?”
I narrow my eyes at him. “I’m trying to tell you something here.”
Kian grins sheepishly. “Sorry. Why did it freak you out?”
“I don’t know,” I confess. “I just… I saw her looking at me as a kid. And I felt…”
“Stripped naked?” Kian offers. “Laid bare? Exposed?”
I sigh again. “Maybe. Which… Listen, I’m not one of those fuckers who walk around pretending like I don’t feel shit. But something about her seeing that part of my life messed with my head.”
“Because she’s getting close again?” Kian chimes in. “And you’re scared you’re gonna lose her? Again?”
I cock my head to the side and regard him carefully. “Motherfucker, you got a psych degree I don’t know about?”
Kian’s grin gets wider. “What can I say? I pay attention.”
“Maybe a little too much attention,” I say. “Okay, little hotshot. What do you suggest I do now?”
“What do you wanna do?”
I roll my eyes. “Typical shrink move. Turn it back on the patient.”
“Answer the question, you evasive bastard.”
I take a moment to think before answering. “I want to talk to her. Like we used to,” I say honestly. “I want to cut the bullshit and just have a real conversation.”
Kian tilts his head to the side and scratches his beard. “So what’s stopping you?”
“She is,” I growl with frustration. “She’s holding out on me. There’s a wall between us that wasn’t there before.”
“She’s probably been through shit. You were gone for a long time, brother.”
“You don’t think I know that?” I bellow. “I’ve gone through shit, too! I’ve still got pieces of the fucking bullets in me! She’s not the only one who’s suffered.”
“Well, maybe she just doesn’t trust you like she used to,” Kian suggests.
I frown. “That doesn’t make me feel better.”
“I’m not trying to make you feel better,” Kian rebuts. “I’m trying to help you.”
I scoff with laughter. “Such a fucking shrink.”
“You wanna talk to her?” he presses. “Then talk to her.”
We look at each other. I see myself in him. I see Da in him. I see Sean in him.
And most of all… I see the truth in him.
He’s right. I’m adding more bricks to the walls that are already there.