I expect to be shocked, repulsed by my own appearance.
But I don’t look any different than I normally do.
I look tired, sad. Worn to the bone.
Victims of trauma don’t walk around with the sum of their pain etched across their faces like a scarlet letter.
Or do they?
Cillian’s voice rings out in my head. It’s in the eyes.
I stare at my eyes in the mirror and that’s where I see it.
The fear.
The panic.
The inexplicable sense of loss.
“No,” I say out loud to the empty bathroom. “I haven’t lost Cillian. He’s out there. And he’ll find a way back to me. I know he will.”
I undress and step into the shower. But my fingers hesitate over the knob.
It takes me a second to realize why I’m stalling: I don’t want to wash him off me.
I want the memory of his touch, of his scent, of his kisses, to linger for as long as I can possibly keep them.
How long can I wait, though? Nothing that comes next is guaranteed. I have empty hopes—nothing more.
So I bite down and turn the nozzle on. The cold sucks the oxygen out of my lungs.
But I welcome it.
I need to feel something other than the sinking feeling in my gut.
Once I’ve washed away the last twelve hours, I dry off and slip on my only other pair of jeans and a white sweater. I comb my unruly hair out and tie it tight at the back of my head.
As I do, I notice the redness along my nape.
I touch the skin there, imagining the way Cillian’s lips felt when he kissed me.
I close my eyes for a moment, wishing there was some way I could check on him to make sure he’s okay.
I don’t even have a phone number for him.
Feeling helpless, I leave the house and head for the hospital.
I’m paranoid and watchful the entire way there. Twice, I think I spot Cillian walking through the crowds of people on the busy streets of Dublin.
Both times, it’s just a trick of my imagination.
I make my way to my father’s room. The corridor that leads to it is quiet.
But when I push the door open and walk inside, I freeze.
Someone’s in here with him.
“Tristan,” I whisper. My voice falters perceptibly as the door closes behind me.