“You’re the most important thing in the world to him, Esme. You and that baby you’re carrying.”
“He doesn’t know what’s out there.”
“He can handle himself.”
I sigh uncomfortably and lean back against the sofa.
“I don’t know how you do it,” I tell him. “Isn’t your stomach in knots for at least twenty-three hours of the day?”
Cillian considers that question for a moment. “I suppose it used to be. At the beginning, when I was a green boy with no experience and little confidence. But it’s like anything else in life—you get used to it.”
“I don’t want to get used to it.”
“I know,” Cillian says softly.
“Can I ask you something?” I venture.
He raises his eyebrows just a little. “Shoot.”
I frown.
He laughs softly. “Sorry, wrong choice of word,” he corrects. “Let’s stick with, ‘Go ahead.’”
“What was Marisha like?” I ask as delicately as I can.
Cillian’s expression doesn’t change, but I can tell he’s surprised that I’m asking him at all.
“You’re better off asking Artem,” he says evasively.
“I’m asking you.”
“Marisha was… She was lovely,” he admits. “I liked her a lot.”
“Was she cut out for this life?” I ask, feeling my throat constrict just a little.
“No one’s really cut out for this life,” he says. “It chooses most of us. After that, there’s no going back.”
“How did the life choose her?” I’m stroking my belly again and again. I don’t dare to meet his eyes.
“Well, she fell in love with Artem,” Cillian replies. “She had no choice after that. If she wanted him, she had to accept the baggage he came with. She knew she couldn’t have one without the other.”
“Like I’m trying to, you mean.”
Cillian’s eyes soften. “That’s not what I mean, Esme.”
“I know,” I sigh. “Did he tell you?”
“That you want him to walk away from the Bratva?” Cillian asks. “Yeah. He told me.”
I can’t tell what he’s thinking. I can’t decipher if he resents me for trying to pull Artem away from a life that they’ve shared together for so long.
So I just ask him.
“Do you hate me for that?” I ask directly.
Cillian does a double-take. He stares at me in surprise. “Of course not,” he says with all apparent sincerity. “Why would you even think that?”
“If Artem walks away from the Bratva, that would change a lot between the two of you,” I reason.