She got a taste of what my life was like, and it changed her forever.
“Not really,” she confesses. “I think I needed closure for that to happen.”
“You mean you needed to talk to me.”
Tamara nods. “I know I’ve probably given up my right to ask, Esme,” she says sadly. “But how have you been? Like, really?”
I chuckle at the thought of catching her up on everything. I don’t even know where to start with that story. Nor do I want to.
“It’s been a wild ride,” I say in the end. That’ll have to suffice for now.
I do believe that Tamara is sorry. I do believe she no longer has contact with Budimir.
But I have a son to look out for. I don’t want to take any chances.
Our relationship can survive in some form, maybe.
But it cannot be what is was.
Neither one of us are naïve enough to hope for that.
“Apparently,” Tamara agrees. “It gave you a baby.”
I smile. “That’s a long story…”
“Do you wanna tell me about it?” she asks cautiously.
“Maybe one day.”
She nods, but doesn’t press me. “He is beautiful, Esme,” she sighs. I can hear the sincerity in her voice. “The cutest baby I’ve seen in a long time.”
“I think so too. But then, I’m biased.”
“You’re not,” Tamara assures me. “Not in this case, anyway. What’s his name?”
“Phoenix,” I say.
“Phoenix,” she echoes with a dreamy lilt to her voice. “I like it.” She glances back up at me. “You look happy.”
I play with the cutlery on the table. “I am. I really am. As happy as it’s possible to be.”
“So he’s good to you?” Tamara asks.
“He is,” I say. “Better than I could have imagined, given how we got married. Given why we got married.”
Tamara smiles. It seems genuine, as far as I can tell. Though I’m still suspicious of all of this.
“I’m so glad,” she tells me. “You have no idea how happy it makes me to see you like this, Esme. It suits you.”
“Happiness?” I laugh.
“Motherhood,” she clarifies.
“Ah,” I smile, looking towards Phoenix’s downy black mop. “Motherhood surprised me too. In more ways than one.”
“Oh, yeah?”
I shrug. “I never thought about kids ever,” I say. “And when I did, it was only as this vague, faraway concept. It never felt like it applied to me.”