“Nancy, please,” I say. “He might be hungry.”
“He’s not,” she snaps impatiently. “Look how happy he is with me.”
Goosebumps prickle at my skin. I move closer slowly.
“There, there, pretty boy,” she says, running her fingers along his cheek the way she’s seen me do countless times.
I want to grab her head and bash it into the wall and the urge is so strong that it takes me by surprise.
I don’t shy away from the violence.
Instead, my body welcomes it. Craves it, even.
Is this what Artem feels when he fights?
Maybe that is the difference.
You just need to find the right reason to commit to a fight.
“I had a baby once, just like this one,” Nancy muses.
Her voice carries in the silence. I inch a little closer. I glance at my baby, and I’m relieved to see that Phoenix looks fine. It doesn’t look like he’s been hurt in any way.
I don’t encourage Nancy to continue with her story, but she does anyway.
“He was a beautiful baby, my boy,” Nancy says, still looking down longingly at Phoenix. “Smart fella, too. I used to lock my room door, but he knew where I kept my keys.”
A step closer. I try not to breathe too loud. To jar her from this awful memory. My skin crawls with every inch of distance I close.
“He got in one day and found my stash,” she goes on, and with every word, I get more sacred, more desperate to get Phoenix out of her arms. “He was blue when I found him but I tried to save him anyway.”
“Negligence,” Nancy says. “‘Criminal negligence,’ they accused me of. But how…? I locked my fucking door. It was locked! He was just… he was too smart. He was such a beautiful boy. So smart.”
Phoenix senses the shift in the air. The growing tension. The approaching violence.
He gives a sharp cry and raises one hand in a small fist. My heart jumps erratically.
“Nancy,” I say quietly. “He needs to be fed.”
For the first time, she looks up at me. “You were fast asleep and he was whining,” she reprimands. “You didn’t even notice! He could have rolled off the bed and fallen. He could have been kidnapped. That would be negligence, too… right? And then you’d lose your baby.”
My heart is thundering so hard that I almost don’t hear that last part, the accusation she flings at me with wide eyes that are desperate to be absolved.
“Nancy,” I say, feeling tears well up. “Please just hand him over.”
She stands slowly.
I freeze.
Time stands still.
But then she hands Phoenix to me and I snatch him away as relief swarms my body and calms my thumping heart.
She walks dreamily back to her bunk on the other side of the room while I check to make sure Phoenix really is okay. He gurgles in my arms and I feel my tears slip free.
It’s still dark outside, so I get back into my bunk.
But I don’t sleep.
I know that as long as I’m in this shelter, I will never sleep again.
I’m done waiting. Next week is too far off and I can’t wait that long.
My body will deal. What I can’t deal with is having Phoenix anywhere near Nancy.
Phoenix coos against me. I wrap him up in my arms and pull him close. He settles his cheek against my breast and I feel my warmth intermingle with his.
“It’s okay, little bird,” I whisper to him. “I’m getting you out of here. We’re getting out.”
The moment I see sunlight, we’re gone.