“I just … I had this fantasy that if I showed up, things would be just like they were and I well, I… trying to take in all the information on top of you getting married to someone other than me when you were everything, it was so hard, Holden. I couldn’t.”
She collapses into tears. “You were alive and it seemed like everything was lining up and then it was like losing you all over again. Three times in one lifetime is too much.”
A few people start whispering in French around us and I hesitate. Then I sigh and pat her hand. She gets up and I stand to keep her from knocking over the table. She wraps herself around me and sobs into my chest.
“I know you’re married. I was there to see it and I still feel like I’m mourning you and I just can’t get through this. I don’t know how. You were there for the hard stuff.” She wails.
I pat her head a few times, not really sure how to comfort Nancy. She wasn’t really a crier while we were together. We were level-headed, and secure. She knots her fingers in my shirt. “I know nothing can happen, but I just need one second with you. One moment where you’re the you I remember.”
Which just isn’t possible. I don’t know how to help with that. I’m not the same man. Part of me is still overseas somewhere. Counseling has helped me right more than one issue I had before joining the military. I have different friends; I love different things.
But a car backfires and my arm wraps around Nancy’s shoulders instinctively. Then I flinch at my own reaction. My counselor says to try to allow myself to be vulnerable, to have compassion and patience for myself, but I’m here with the wrong woman and the last thing I want is to rehash this with Sophie.
I glance over and see her. She leans her head to the side, red hair spilling over her shoulder, then she lets out a harsh breath, bending over a little. The run has her cheeks all flushed.
Sophie comes over and I bend down so she can kiss my cheek. “Sorry I made you wait, Hold.”
Nancy turns the sobs up another notch as she clings to me so tightly I can feel the threat of her fingernails. I pat her shoulder. “I’m sorry, Nancy. I’m not that boy anymore.”
She keeps crying, mumbling how it isn’t fair. How we were supposed to end up together, and continues pretending like Sophie isn’t there. Sophie takes another deep breath and rubs my back. “Anything I can do?”
“Leave him,” Nancy says, pulling her head up. “You already have three others; you don’t need him.”
Sophie’s eyes harden. “Holden is my husband. If I didn’t love him, if he didn’t love me, then we wouldn’t have gotten this far.”
“You don’t even know him!” Nancy hisses. “You don’t know the real him.”
I hold Nancy’s shoulders in my hands and gently untangle myself. “I’m married now.”
“And I’m sorry, but I’m not letting him go. As long as he wants me, I’m his.” Sophie says clearly. “Holding onto the past is only going to hurt you more.”
“But we were supposed to … we should.”
“We’renot,” I say firmly. “This is reality, Nancy. I’ve chosen Sophie. I love her and I’m not leaving her for a what-if. You have a life in Arizona. Embrace it. Love it. Look around and I’m sure you’ll find the right person.”
She sniffs and glares at Sophie, but walks away without arguing. I hope this is the last time I have to have this conversation. I don’t want to hear it again. I don’t want to relive it again. Sophie rubs my arm.
“Are you okay?”
“I am.” I convince her kissing her temple. “I should have timed you.”
But as we sit down, I finish my mimosa. The waitress brings another and Sophie asks for water. We sit in silence for a long moment. I want to believe it’s because Sophie’s staring at the menu, but she plays with the straw wrapper until she lets out a hard breath.
“Why did she say I don’t know you?”
“Because I’m different than I was growing up. All passive and happy just to be included. I had lower standards. Did what I was told, didn’t question, took the easy and traditional path.” I answer.
Sophie moves her chair so we’re closer and takes my hand tightly. “Then we met at the right time.”
Just like that a boulder rolls off my chest. I suck in a deep breath and kiss her hand, trying to avoid hurting myself on any of her rings. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Were you … upset to see her here?”
“Not really,” Sophie says slowly, like she’s tasting the words and making sure they’re not a lie. “I … I was surprised because I thought she’d left or gotten the picture. But you’re you, Hold. You’re generous and sexy. You’re protective and solid and I can’t imagine anyone being able to let you go easily. I think I would have been on bed rest for at least three whole months if you dumped me.”
“I would have had to be kicked in the head by horse to let you go,” I promise her. “It’d be impossible.”