“When I was twenty, I was drinking way more than I should, dating girls, ignoring school. I have a lot of regrets about that time in my life, was constantly kicking myself for something I’d done earlier that day. It was a mess.” I admit.
“So I’m not missing out on anything?”
“Do you think you are?”
“Sometimes. When I watch old TV or things like that, then I look at this life I have with you guys. I love this life, but I’m afraid that thirty years from now, I’ll wish I had invested in more of my friendships or that I’d done something wild.”
“Wilder than fucking four men at once?” I whistle. “What doyouhave planned?”
She giggles. “Bungie jumping, skydiving, seeing Paris. Is it bad that I almost don’t want a job right now? I mean, I want to be able to hold my own and I want to be able to pay for things …”
“But.” I push. “Tell me the but, Sophia.”
“But you guys offer me so much. Italy. Hawaii. And our game of traveling anywhere, we can. But the rumors at work are getting to me and I know they’re just starting. I know I should work. I know Ishouldbe a good responsible girl. I shouldn’t question how lucky I am and how happy I am.”
“Should doesn’t mean shit. Should …” I adjust in her arms, so I can watch her face. “Should implies an ideal that doesn’t exist and holds you to it. Nothing good comes from ‘should’.”
“So wise.” She murmurs. “Then what do I say right now? What do I do?”
“I can’t decide that for you.” I sigh. “If you don’t want to work, you don’t have to. There are four of us – even on normal salaries, we can support you. You can follow every whim of your heart.”
“So, I’m a sugar baby?”
“Nope.” I kiss her. “Sugar babies are secrets. We’re in a relationship. It’s different. You want to be the stay-at-home girlfriend who makes dinner every night, do it. I support it.”
“I bet you do.”
I chuckle and rub her head slowly. “Whatever you want, baby. We can play house. We can support your working career.”
“All of you are so logical. It’s a real way to deflate all these questions without getting direct answers.”
“It’s life. There are no direct answers, especially not to should questions.”
“I get it!” She slides off the bed, holding the blanket to her bare body. “No more should questions. Kiss me again?”
“You’re greedy today.” I kiss her anyway, soft and slow.
“We haven’t gotten time together in a while, just us. I got that with Gunner yesterday, and lunch with Nick. But work seeps into our conversations easily, Hold.”
“And I’m shy?”
“Around others.” She rubs my chin. “But never with me.”
I lift her onto my lap and rub her thighs. “Whatever you’re getting me, I’ll like it. I know that. You know me better than just about anyone.”
She lights up at that, then blinks a few times. “Oh my god. Dinner!”
I laugh as she runs out of the room. I put myself back together and try to cool the uncomfortable feeling that I’ve said too much. It feels like I just gave her live grenades, putting them in her pocket to use against me at any time and my teeth chatter a bit.
Running my hands over my head, I force myself to take a few slow breaths. Sophie just wants to know me. She’s not after classified information. She’s not eager for ways to bring me down. Sophia just wants to know me as well as I know her. I can’t blame her for that. It’s not a weapon.
And I liked our conversation, including telling her my stories and seeing her reactions. After another thirty minutes of being sure that all my work is done and I don’t look just-fucked, I head upstairs.
Sophie works in the kitchen and I notice Roman beside her. He whispers something in her ear and she turns to point at him with a knife. “We talked about this.”
“Bambina.”
“Don’t ‘Bambina’ me.” She continues. “Valerie is going to stay here, no argument. I’m not making her take a hotel.”