“It wasn’t like that. Fuck.”
Folding his arms over his chest and raising a brow at me, he says, “Tell me, then.”
“What?”
“Tell me, Crew. Tell me what it was like if it wasn’t like that.”
Fuck.Why is he going to make me go over it all again? We’re supposed to be working on fixing this, not making it worse.
“I’m fucking waiting,” he adds.
“Okay, shit. You don’t have to be snappy. The night after you kicked me out, I—”
“Didn’t kick you out. I asked you, nicely, to leave so I could fucking deal with Calina. But continue.”
“Fine. The night after you asked me,nicely, to leave, I went to a party at Kalen’s house. I got pretty drunk and was hurt and pissed off by what happened. I ended up hanging out with Kalen and some chick. Can’t remember her fucking name. Anyway, they hooked up while I… watched. Afterward, he gave me head, and I ended up crashing there. The next morning, I went home, and he asked if he could come over to chill, and I said yes. We were just hanging out, getting… drunk again, and then he came onto me. It’s not like I wanted it, per se.”
He sits forward, face screwing up. “Hold the fuck up. You’re telling me he gave you head, not once, but fuckingtwice?”
“Fuck,” I grit through my teeth. “Yes, b-but it wasn’t fucking like that, Anderson.” My breathing is coming out harsh, lungs tightening up and refusing to work. This isn’t going at all like I fucking planned.
He scoffs, rolling his eyes and expelling a deep sigh. “Jesus Christ, Crew. You’re unbelievable. How can you let this happen and genuinely think it’s okay?”
“Can you just fucking let me finish, please?.”
Wiping any trace of emotion off his face, he replies, “Man, get on with it, then.”
“Like I said, we were fucked up, so when he started going down on me, I didn’t stop him. But I didn’t want it from him either. I was fucking upset and missing you, and it was you I was thinking about the entire fucking time.”
“Crew. You say that like it’s supposed to make me feel better. How about if the roles were reversed: I fucked Calina, but don’t worry, man, I didn’t reallywantto fuck her. It was you I was thinking of while I was deep in her pussy.”
I visibly flinch at that. He’s got a point.
“See? Would that make you feel any better?”
“No, okay. It wouldn’t. Fuck, Anderson. I’m fucking sorry. If I could take it back, I would. I never wanted to hurt you.Iwas hurt, and I handled it all wrong. Please, fuck.Pleaseforgive me.”
“I understand you were hurt, but you didn’t even communicate with me, Crew. You went radio silent on me.” He runs his fingers through his already disheveled hair, sighing. “I don’t know. I’m starting to think we rushed into all of this. Maybe it was a mistake and we’re better as friends.”
My stomach drops and my throat clogs painfully. “What?! No!No.Don’t fucking say that.”
He looks so resigned, and it fucking guts me. My breathing speeds up, yet I can’t seem to catch my breath. This can’t be happening. I’ve gotta do something. Make him see he’s wrong. Change his fucking mind.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
I can’t fucking lose him.
Shit. Shit. Shit!
I’m flying off the bed and on my knees in front of him, grabbing his hands in seconds, my fingers smoothing over his cracked and inflamed knuckles. “Anderson,please. I’m fuckingsorry. Please fucking believe me, it meant fuckingnothing. You are way more important to me than anyone else, especially him. Please.”
He doesn’t say anything. His deep green eyes, usually filled with so much love and happiness, look at me with what can only be described as disappointment and hurt. The backs of my eyes burn; I can’t stop the floodgates even if I tried. There’s a lump in my throat the size of a grapefruit, and I want to physically claw my heart from my chest because this feeling istoo much.
This can’t be happening. I can’t fucking lose him.
Breathing becomes a challenge. Hot tears pour down my face as there isn’t enough oxygen getting to my lungs. My free hand absently rubs my chest as my eyes, blurry with raw pain, panic, and moisture, look to Anderson.
When I speak again, my voice is shallow and cracked. “Please.Please,Anderson. I cannot fucking lose you. You areallI have left. You’re all that fucking matters. My entire fucking life is a joke. I’ve lost everything that’s ever mattered to me, except you. Football’s gone. My parents aren’t fucking around. They don’t fucking love me enough to stay. My life is in fucking shambles. I cannot… fucking cannot lose you, too. It was a mistake. One I’m so fucking ashamed of and wish desperately I could take back.Please.”