“That’s us,” I say bitterly. Before he can respond, I add, “So you’ve never been to LA?”
He exhales loudly. “I was planning to go when I turned eighteen. You know, road trip all the way from Alaska to California. Go find my mom and give her a piece of my mind. I wanted her to know how badly she’d hurt Moira, because there’s no way I would have admitted she hurt me too. But she died before I could.”
I automatically reach out to put my hand on his arm. “You didn’t even get a resolution. That’s tough.” What Digger must have suffered as a child makes my heart ache. Death is hard enough, but to be abandoned without any chance of healing is unfathomable.
“She got into drugs and was found in an alley with a needle still in her arm. I’m guessing that wasn’t the life she was hoping for.” He grunts bitterly.
“It’s a tough town,” I tell him. “Not only are good roles hard to come by, but rejection is awful. Even if you make it big, it can be hard.”
“Did you grow up in California?” He picks up a stone from a pile on the dock and inspects it before skipping it across the water.
“Central Illinois. The land of corn and beans.”
“How’d you wind up in LA?”
“I was in the theater department at the University of Illinois. Occasionally a group of us would drive up to Chicago for open castings. Most of them never resulted in anything, but I got a commercial for Visa once. I made enough money from it that I decided to head to Hollywood after graduation and try my hand at the big time.” I shake my fists in the air like a reticent cheerleader.
“It obviously worked out well for you.” He sounds like he’s accusing me of robbing a bank or something.
“I waited tables for five years before I got my big break.”
“Why did you keep trying for so long? You’d think a year or two would be long enough to realize it’s not going to happen.”
Anger begins to boil, but I quickly remind myself of Digger’s experience with Hollywood dreams. “Success is a drug unto itself. If you get enough small doses, you become convinced your big break is right around the corner. I had a few bit parts on television shows and movies. It was enough to keep me on the line. Plus, Ididhit it big, so it does happen sometimes.”
“Do you still act?”
“I haven’t done much of anything since the kids were born. I grew up with a stay-at-home mom and I wanted Liam and Lily to have the same experience. Brett kept going though.”
“Ah, Helioman.”
“Yup. Brett Kennedy, superstar, lover of the limelight, women, and mostly himself.”
“Sounds like a real prize,” he says sarcastically.
“I once thought so.”What in the hell was wrong with me?
“Are you going to stay in Los Angeles after you’re divorced?” he asks.
His question hits me like a blow to the back of the head. “I never thought about leaving LA. I mean, I wouldn’t want to keep the kids away from their father. Besides, I haven’t really thought farther than next week, to be honest.”
“Survival mode,” he says.
“Exactly. I have to find my center again, before I figure out what comes next.”
“I’m sure you will,” Digger tells me, getting up. “You relax. I’ll go get breakfast started.”
“Thanks.” I stare back out at the water while the dock bobs under his footsteps.
ShouldI go back to Illinois and raise Lily and Liam near my parents? As much as they would all benefit from that, I’m not a person who relishes the thought of going backward. Unfortunately, moving home would feel like that to me. Also, there would be zero chance of me having a normal life in the town I grew up in. I would be a big fish in a small pond which guarantees eyes would watch my every move and tongues would wag to share every detail.
All I can do is take things one hour at a time. Luckily, I’m in a place where I can do just that. Here in Alaska, I’ve discovered a sense of peace—if you don’t count the paparazzi finding me, that is. For now, I’m just going to relish being away from all the drama of Brett. Hopefully, by the time we go back to the lodge, the press will have given up on me, and we can enjoy the rest of our vacation without worry of being found out.
I inhale deeply. The air is crisp and clean, the view unparalleled. If there ever was a place to heal, I’m starting to think that place is Alaska.
As far as I’m concerned, Brett can say or do anything that he wants. He’s no longer my problem. And while that makes me feel bad for Liam and Lily, it’s a hundred-and-eighty pounds of weight I’m glad to be rid of.
Chapter18