“Were they all mistakes?”
“No.” Some of those fuckers deserved all the shit that came down on them. Like those bastards who kidnapped Shaye. No fucking mercy shown there. But there were some fights that erupted for stupid-ass reasons, mainly because I didn’t know when to keep my mouth shut. I’m just lucky to still be alive. I don’t know how I’ve escaped complete mutilation, if I’m being honest. “But that’s my past, Sloane.” I tilt her chin upward to meet my gaze. “It’s not my future. I’ve done things I’m not proud of, but I’m trying to put that behind me.” I caress the side of her face. “Because I want more for the future.”
“But what about…the fork thing? Are you sure you’re able to put it behind you?”
“It’s never going to be perfect. But I can promise I’ll always do everything to protect you, and that I’ll try to make the right moves, ones that don’t hurt anyone.” Who doesn’t deserve it. I swallow that last bit because I’m not really lying to her if I omit it.
“What if things change and you have to do those things again?” She shakes her head. “I don’t even know what ‘things’ I’m talking about, but they sound pretty dangerous. I just…I understand if you can’t tell me everything, but, Max, sometimes I don’t know who I’m getting with you. This job, it consumes you. And it impacts everything around you. I see it with Nico. I may not know details, but it’s shady as hell. How can you break away from all that? Is it even possible?”
“Not entirely, no. But you mean enough to me where I don’t want to get caught in those situations anymore. I avoid a lot of things I would have done before…because of you.”
“But you can’t tell me more than that, can you?”
I shake my head. “No. I hope you understand.”
“I don’t.” She averts her eyes. “And it makes me think this is all wrong, that whatever we’re doing should stop. But somehow, I can’t stop thinking about you. I feel empty when you’re not next to me. Lost, almost.” Her gaze flickers back to me. “And even though I know there’s a lot of risk in being with you, I can’t imagine being with anyone else.”
My gut clenches. There’s so much I want to tell her, so much I can’t admit to. If she knew the real person inside of me…the one I’ve tried to bury for the better part of the past few months…I know I’d lose her. That’s why I keep fighting, why I can’t let my father’s words incite me.
It may be one thing I’m good at, but there have to be others.
I just need to dig deep and find them.
If I don’t, I’ll lose something way more valuable than my own life.
I’ll lose the life I can have with Sloane.
I swallow hard, hugging her tight against my chest. So many words are caught in my throat, forming a lump that rivals the size of a golf ball. “I love…that you feel that way.” I roll her on top of me. I need to see her face, to look deep into her eyes, to figure out if there’s a chance she’ll ever let herself feel the way I do.
But all I see are concern, apprehension, and doubt.
Not exactly what I’d been hoping for.
I have to convince her that I’m in this and I’ll do whatever it takes to make her comfortable.
Even if I can’t.
Sloane leans her head on her elbows, continuing to stare at me. “Why can’t I break free from this, Max? Why do you have such a hold on me? I barely know anything about you, and yet I’ve known you for as long as I can remember.”
“You know more about me than anyone else,” I murmur, stroking the side of her face. “I can promise you that.”
“So other than the fact that you know how to assault someone with cutlery, I know you’re addicted to Raisinets, video games, and expensive sneakers.” She furrows her brow. “And that you’re a sex god, although I probably shouldn’t have admitted to that. I don’t want your head to swell.”
“You sure about that? You scream for God a hell of a lot when that happens.”
She gives my arm a playful slap. “You know what I mean.”
I grin and smack her ass. “And you seem to know all of the important details already.”
“You’re always evading my questions.”
“I don’t recall you asking anything.”
She’s silent for a moment. “Why is there so much antagonism between you and your dad? What’s the deal with that?”
I let out a deep sigh. “The short answer is that he can be a real prick and wants to blame his failures on someone…and apparently I’m that someone.”
Her expression turns serious. “I always felt really bad when he’d attack you in front of other people. I never understood it, and it made me so angry that he’d never say anything nice, no matter what you did.”