Surprise! That pathetic someone was…is…yours truly. So I talked and joked about anything I could think of, donating hours of my time to mindless video games, anything to keep him coming back since that’s all he seemed to want, and I’d take whatever shreds of attention he was willing to give in the hopes that his feelings might change. He hadn’t laid a finger on me, though his eyes always seemed to betray his intentions. It’s almost as if his body wanted more, but his mind and heart knew he didn’t have it to give.
I knew it, too.
So I guess that makes me a glutton for punishment.
Friendship was all I’d been offered. And it was all I was going to get.
He inches toward me, and a chill slithers down my spine. My skin prickles under the pads of his rough fingertips as they graze my bare arms. I forget to breathe for a second as his fingers slide up the sides of my face, caressing my lips and my cheeks. His face is so close to mine, his breath hot against my face.
What is happening here? Did I just wander into some kind of an alternate reality? Dammit, I have tried so hard to detest this guy, but he always manages to melt away any of my inhibitions.
How can I just forget everything that’s happened between us? How can I forgive him when he’s broken my heart one time too many?
But, mmm…good Lord, I just want to taste those lips one time to see if they are everything I’ve imagined them to be. I can deal with that. One kiss, one beautiful mess of a second where I come apart in his arms and experience the bliss I’ve dreamed about for so long that I’m actually embarrassed to admit it.
My sensibilities tell me to stop this obsessing…now. Voices echo in my head, warning me that this is a dead end, that there is too much he hasn’t told me, too much that will end up hurting me, too much that he can’t escape. Too much that he’ll never give in return.
Because I’m not as ignorant as they all think. Max, Shaye, Nico, Rocco, Kat…God, they must think I live under a rock, that their lifestyle doesn’t raise any eyebrows, that it’s perfectly natural to be flushed with cash and not do the work to justify it all.
At least, not the kind of work that warrants a legitimate paycheck.
That scares the hell out of me because there’s a darkness that looms over them and their families. I may not have all of the answers, but I can connect most of the dots. I’ve seen The Godfather. I watched The Sopranos.
I’ve known for years that they’re sons and daughters of the underworld, although they’ve kept me pretty well-shielded from exactly what that means…what they do, where they go, and how they operate.
And I suspect there is something more than just sex that kept him away on Thanksgiving, something he’ll never admit to me. I can feel it when he looks at me now, when he came so close to kissing me at Shaye’s party…the burden of what he carries is something he’ll never be able to share.
So as much as I want Max…have always wanted Max…I know I can’t have him. Not the way I need him. Our lives are too different. I like to drive in the right lane where it’s safe and protected, and he’s speeding past me in the far-left lane, throwing caution to the wind and living for the moment because his choices don’t guarantee anything more than that. Rule follower meet rule breaker.
Oh yes, I’m aware of the risks of getting too close.
But right now, I just want to feel Max’s strong arms wrap around me, blanketing me in his deliciously soapy scent. My nipples tingle, hard enough to cut through glass right about now, and believe me when I say there isn’t a place on my body that isn’t awake, alert, and ready for action.
Until I open my stupid mouth and my mind finally has the good sense to take over.
This has to stop before I fall any deeper under his spell.
I have to break it, or it’ll break me.
“Why did you come here, Max?”
His eyebrows furrow and he drops his hands, stepping away from me. I hug my arms around myself, bracing my body from the impending deep freeze, the same one that settles into my bones every time he leaves.
“I needed to see you,” he murmurs, his eyes drawn and troubled.
“But why? We’ve been doing this dance for months, and I’m not sure I understand the point. You’d come over, sober, drunk, whatever. And you’d make me talk about myself. Work, school, my dad, my damn car.” I throw my hands in the air. “What do you want from me? I’m not your friend. Friends give as much as they get. You give me nothing.” I tug on the ends of my hair and let out a groan. “Look, I’m just not sure what you’re after. How many more times am I supposed to turn the other cheek? And that girl…finding you with her like that when you were supposed to be with me? You don’t care about my feelings at all, so why should I waste my time on you?”
“That’s not true. I care about you more than I do myself. And I’m telling you the truth when I say nothing happened between us, I didn’t sleep with her. I wanted to be with you on Thanksgiving, but I needed to take care of something.”
“There’s more of your code language. I have no idea what that even means—you had to ‘take care of something’. I’m not part of your world, and I don’t understand any of it, so what do you want from me? It’s clearly not sex since you haven’t even tried to kiss me.” Oh, crap. I didn’t mean for that to slip out. Fuck my life, first the girlfriend slip-up and now this. It’s not like I’ve been fantasizing about kissing him, having sex with him, really anything with him for twenty-four hours a day or anything crazy like that.
“Do you want me to kiss you?” Max’s voice rumbles through me like a wave gathering force and speeding its way out in the ocean, preparing for the inevitable swirl and crash over the shore. And that half-smile, those deep-set eyes filled with something devious and delicious…Jesus, I could melt into a puddle right here and now.
How very sad for me.
“I didn’t say that so you would…I just meant…” I let out an exasperated sigh and avert my eyes, trying again to put these irrational feelings into actual words. “I’m not looking for anything. I’m confused, Max. Especially because…well, why now? We already went down this path before, and it didn’t work. Remember? You decided it was a bad idea to get involved because of Shaye. Then later you decided you just wanted to be friends. So I put myself out there and you stomped all over me again. So, why’d you come back? Third time’s the charm?” I let out a dry laugh and push past him, mumbling to myself. “Or maybe the better question would be why did I open the damn door tonight?”
“Do you know I don’t have one single friend in this world whom I trust completely?”