Panic overwhelms me again.
My knees buckle, and I sink onto the floor of the boat.
I can’t hold it any longer. I break down and cry.
I wail. Loudly. Shamelessly. Not caring that I look like a psycho who is sobbing on the floor of the boat.
Because grief is like a monster under your bed. It can stay hidden for a long time. You know it’s there. You think you have it at bay. But then, one day, you wake up and hear the noise, because it decides to come out. No matter how strong you think you’ve become, you panic when it crawls out, stands straight, and looms over you with its monstrous form. It suffocates you, presses down on you, and makes everything else disappear but the blackness. Deep. Scary. Drowning.
I sob hysterically, sitting on my knees, my hands over my face. I rock back and forth, trying to get rid of the feeling that the world is smothering me.
I hear the splash of the water, feel the boat rock heavily, and Kai sits down on the bench.
Get a grip,I tell myself.
But I can’t. I wipe my eyes and face, see Kai’s feet on the floor right in front of me, but I don’t want to raise my eyes. Tears are still streaming. I still shake with sobs.
I’m too hurt. And I just broke down in front of the boy who once meant so much and is now punishing me for that.
“Petal…”
His voice is soft, but I don’t lift my face. I wipe my palms on my thighs and try to suppress the little sobs that are like hiccups, shaking my body.
It’s too quiet. The soft lapping of the water against the hull and the rock walls echoes with the subsiding storm inside me.
“Callie, look at me,” he says.
I shake my head.
I can’t.
I don’t want to.
But then I feel him move. And he comes down on his knees in front of me and sits back on his heels.
His hands cup my face and tilt it up.
The worst are not the words that he said. Or how they make me feel. The worst is his gaze, full of that same hurt that just ripped me into pieces. There is no anger in his eyes, but the myriad of emotions in them burns the air between us. He looks scared just as I am.
“It’s all right,” he says. “I’m here.”
I don’t know if he realizes what he just did, but my stupid tears just keep coming.
“What happened four years ago wasn’t my fault,” he says quietly. “What followed the day after could’ve been avoided, but it’s not your fault either.” I purse my lips, desperately trying to stop crying. “You were my weakness, petal.” The words hit like a sucker punch, and my chest shakes in a sob. If he wasn’t holding my face in his palms, I would’ve looked away, because this is unbearable. “We didn’t deserve what happened.”
I nod.
He leans over and kisses me on the forehead.
And I can’t hold back anymore and start sobbing and crying again.
Kai doesn’t pull away. He presses his lips to my head, and wraps his arms around me, pulling me closer to him.
“I’m sorry for what I just did, petal. I am a fucking asshole. I know.”
I don’t know where to touch him so he doesn’t get angry at me. I want to wrap my arms around him but he might pull away. He is sensitive. And I don’t want him to go. I don’t want him to be mad at me.
I shake, trying to stop sobbing.