Many of us don’t have families anymore, and here I am, moping about one night of my life.
I want to talk to Kai. And I don’t. Because now I don’t know how to look him in the eyes.
I want to get drunk, except this time, I want to fall asleep and never wake up.
14
KAI
I am so mad,I can’t think straight.
I stomp to the beach and walk straight into the water, dive into the rising tide and hold my breath as long as I can. I don’t care that I might hit the underwater rock. It would be a fucking relief.
But the water is too warm. Too quiet. And I want it rough.
I want a storm.
Freezing cold.
Fucking snow and blasting winds instead of this tropical cage.
The emotions rip me apart from the inside. I scream underwater, then burst out to the surface and choke like a madman, flopping my arms around, spitting out salty water.
A strong wave puts me under, and I fight my way to the surface, coughing and choking, the swallowed water making me dizzy.
I crawl out onto the shore and, without looking in the direction of the bonfire and laughter that comes from there, walk toward the workshop.
The nights on the island are dark.
But my thoughts are even darker.
I am a fucking monster, ain’t I? That’s what she thought. Oh, the irony.
We are not born monsters. We become them, often pushed by others.
A week after the fire, Julie shows up at the hospital. I can’t care less about her. Long before that Block Party, I fucked her once and went down on her out of pity. She fucked half of the football team but had a thing for me. And the Block Party—well, the only reason I was with her was because Crone had already roped Callie in.
And here is Julie, in the hospital, a week after the accident, looking at me and my bandaged body with tears, her bright pink mouth contorted in an ugly cry. And I get it, sort of. It’s hard to look at a mummy.
“I can’t do this, Kai, I’m sorry,” she whimpers.
“Jules.”
“I can’t.”
She called me emotionally unavailable before.
So fuck her.
She was the one stalking me for months. And now, when I most need someone to talk to, she leaves. Just like many others. And goes back to Crone’s crew.
And that’s how you slowly start turning from the monster on the outside with red blistered skin that takes forever to heal to a monster on the inside, who doesn’t trust people.
My anger is still there. I am dripping with salt water. The wet sand is prickly under my feet as I step onto the wooden floor of the workshop and turn on the light. I toss my wet shirt onto the floor. I am so mad that I want to smoke and drink and fuck and break someone’s face at the same time.
A rapist.
The word echoes in my head, and I can’t believe that Callie would ever think that of me.