A sob falls out of my chest.
What I wouldn’t give to have him here with me now. Telling me not to be sad. Telling me that he’ll protect me. Keep me safe.
I let my feet stumble forward until I’m close enough to collapse onto the couch.
Another sob.
I force my eyes closed and remember the second time he found me in The Bar.
“You fucking hugged me.”
I blindly grab for the throw pillow next to me and clutch it to my body. Holding it as tight as I can.
I remember the morning after.
He slowly steps closer, “I told you I’d be here… I’ll never lie to you.”
I press my mouth against the soft cotton of the pillow, muffling my sounds of heartbreak.
I spent so long, so many years, being alone. Being all by myself. And I got used to it. Solitude became my normal.
But then Axel came crashing into my life and he changed everything.
Everything.
And now this loneliness feels like the worst kind of torture. Like I’m standing at the bottom of a deep cavern with smooth walls, nothing to hold on to, and no way to climb out.
Crying freely, I let my body tip until I’m curled up on my side.
As much as I try, I can’t stop more memories from coming. Memories of Axel. Of the happiest I can remember being.
His hands on my face.
His hold on the back of my neck.
How he holds me while he sleeps.
And even though I know I shouldn’t, I let myself pretend.
I let myself pretend it’s all still real.
And that I’m still safe.
“Taste this.” He starts to lift the mug, then pauses to turn it around, so my lips will press where his just were.
“Wh-why?”
“…I need you to feel as proud of it as I am proud of you.”
Chapter78
Axel
“You find her yet?”Brian asks as he enters the kitchen.
“No.” I finish pouring my coffee then grab a mug for him. “But I will.”
I’ve been drinking more coffee than I should, and my sleep has suffered because of it, but it makes me feel close to her. Even though I haven’t laid eyes on her in four horrible days.