‘It’s not,’ he muttered, finally looking at her, the mixture of embarrassment and pain in his eyes making her want to go to him but his stiff body language implying he wouldn’t welcome it. ‘If I can’t get it up, I’m not much use to you in there.’
He pointed to her bed, where ten minutes ago they’d woken, his arms wrapped around her. She’d instigated sex by sliding her hand to cup him and … nothing. No amount of fondling or massaging could get more than a semi-erection and he’d reared away like she’d castrated him.
‘Look, I’ve got a lot on my mind at the moment.’ He glanced away, unable to meet her eye. ‘Some health stuff I don’t want to talk about. And I’m not making excuses, but I have no idea why that happened.’
‘There’s more to a relationship than sex—’
‘I know, but that’s what you’ve been focussed on since we got together this week.’
He made it sound like she had loose morals and no way in hell would she put up with that.
‘That’s harsh.’
His shoulders sagged, but when she approached him, he held up his hands. ‘Sorry, I need to go.’
‘We should talk about it …’
Embarrassment stained his cheeks a ruddy pink. ‘What’s there to talk about? That old age is creeping up on me? That I can’t satisfy a woman? That it’s never happened to me before?’ He threw his arms wide. ‘Yes, please, by all means, let’stalkabout it.’ With a shake of his head, he murmured, ‘I have to go,’ and practically ran out of the bedroom.
Heidi wanted to go after him, to try and placate him, but one thing stuck in her head: ‘It’s never happened to me before.’
If that was the case, what was wrong with her? Was she not desirable enough, not good enough?
And just like that, all her old insecurities came flooding back. Memories of her sexless marriage to Bert for the last few years before he died. How his erectile dysfunction only happened when it came to having sex with her, yet he could get it up while watching porn and masturbating. How totally worthless it made her feel, how unattractive …
No, she couldn’t go after Jem. She didn’t need to feel any worse about herself than she already did, so she waited until she heard the front door slam before sinking back onto the bed, dropping her head in her hands, and releasing a sob of frustration.
She refused to cry over Jem, over this.
Embracing her sexuality with younger men over the last six months had empowered her and demonstrated she could be desirable and that some men did want her. Nobody understood. They saw the way she dressed as a mid-life crisis, an inappropriate way to deal with her grief. But what they failed to see was how recognising her sexuality, acknowledging it, had increased her self-worth.
She didn’t need a man in her life but she liked the feeling of being wanted. Heady stuff for a woman whose self-esteem had been whittled away by a husband who professed to love her but never saw what his lack of physicality had done to her. So whatever Jem may have said, she couldn’t take it onboard. This was his problem and he had to deal with it.
But where did that leave them?
CHAPTER
38
The end of Karly’s week hadn’t gone to plan. When she got back from Nev’s place on Thursday night, she’d been looking forward to having Hudson stay over again. But he’d responded to her flirty text with a terse response about how swamped he was and that he would be working late, then on Friday he’d left early to head back to Melbourne.
She’d tried to pretend it didn’t affect her, that she had a lot of work to catch up on herself after taking Thursday off, but no matter how many website updates she performed or how many cold calls to prospective sellers, she couldn’t ignore the main question.
Why had Hudson done a runner?
Not that she had much time to dwell because Saturday morning had her meeting with Leo at the Vegan Vault and she hoped to god he could come through for her.
‘Here you go, Leo. One cappuccino and a blueberry muffin.’ She placed his order in front of him and took a seat opposite.
He eyed the empty table space in front of her. ‘You’re not having anything?’
She shook her head. ‘I’m too excited to eat, to be honest.’
He chuckled. ‘Okay. I guess you want to get down to business.’
‘Like yesterday, but go ahead and eat your muffin. I’ll wait.’
Amusement accentuated the wrinkles around his eyes as he nudged the plate away. ‘It’s okay, I can see you’re toey so we’ll chat first. From what I gather, Summer told you I’m interested in investing in local businesses and real estate?’