17
Gunnar glanced at his watch and tucked it back into his sleeping bag with a silent groan. One in the morning, and he hadn’t slept a wink. In the Air Force, he’d learned the uncanny ability of falling asleep in an instant, no matter where he was.
Sunny called it his superpower.
He called it survival.
Whatever.
The power had escaped him at the worst possible time. All because of the incredible woman lying next to him. Her ability to forgive and let the past go floored him. Not only that, but the easy camaraderie they’d shared in the tent went far beyond forgiveness.
Her extending friendship to him after what he’d done to her had all kinds of warm feelings jumbling up his brain. Those feelings created a constant reel of possibilities repeating through his imagination. Those thoughts, combined with her being right next to him, were his kryptonite.
Would sleeplessness plague him for the entire expedition? His body could go a solid seventy-two hours without sleep. Of course, that had been during hell week and intense missions that didn’t allow the luxury of rest, not when there were hours each night of nothing. Plus, his body would go into repair mode when the mission was over, and he wouldn’t wake for hours. That couldn’t happen here. The only thing that would keep them from moving forward to the North Pole would be injury or blizzard. He wasn’t about to be the one keeping them behind.
Julie blew out a shuddering breath next to him, and he rolled on to his side to face her. Her sleeping bag rustled, then her teeth chattered. He drew his eyebrows together as his muscles bunched.
Shoot.
She was cold. She always was cold. Some things never changed. His lip twitched. She even wore her parka to bed.
He fisted his hands around his sleeping bag. In the past, he’d unzip his bag and pull her into his, her bag and all. She’d bury her face into his neck and sleep deeply while he roasted, but it had been worth every second.
Now?
Well, he could scoot up next to her. Their combined body heat might warm her up. She couldn’t get mad at him for being close, right? There wasn’t much room in the tent to begin with.
He rolled his eyes at his idiocy and slid over so the pressure of her curled up body pressed against him. Her sigh and relaxation had all kinds of delusions of super hero status puffing up his chest. His body mass helped her stay warm. So what? Anyone could do that for her.
In fact, she’d probably stay much warmer sandwiched between Mason and Clark in the other tent. If she kept freezing each night, Gunnar would suggest it. He’d hate every word that came from his mouth and probably would sleep less than if she were here with him, but at least she’d be warmer.
She shivered next to him. It would be so easy to open his sleeping bag and drag her in with him like he’d always done. Every nerve and muscle screamed for him to protect her.
Love her.
Not that his loving her ever stopped. Nope. Fifteen years later and she still filled his thoughts when he had nothing to keep him busy.
She still haunted his dreams at night. She was there, in the midst of his ugliness, running on the battlefield, searching. The counselor helping Gunnar through his PTSD said it was normal for his civilian life and war life to merge in his subconscious. It sucked seeing her there. Even in the nightmares, he tried to protect her, running flat out through pinging bullets to get to her. Always taking too long.
Could she have been in his dreams because he’d let her down in real life? Had his subconscious been trying to tell him to stop taking the coward’s way out by not opening her letters? Not protecting her when she needed it most?
Julie shivered again, and Gunnar pushed his nightmares aside. He couldn’t tumble down that rabbit hole, not if he wanted to keep his focus. He may have let her down before, but he wouldn’t again.
The question remained, did he ask her if she wanted to share the warmth of his bag? He wanted to finally hold her close. To take the second chance he saw in her eyes when she looked at him.
He didn’t deserve it. Not after what he’d done. But wasn’t that the whole point of mercy? Unmerited kindness and caring?
Proving to Julie that he’d be there for her, that he’d keep his first promise he’d made to her in high school, needed to come before he could rightfully ask to hold her in his arms. With that realization firmly in his mind, he reached up and snagged his parka from the hook dangling from the tent’s hangloop. He carefully spread the coat on top of Julie and scooted more firmly alongside her. For now, that would have to be enough.