He clenched his jaw again, pain and anger in his voice, and turned his face away from her. He watched another boat trolling by. She wanted to wrap her free hand around his arm and lean into him. Instead, she tucked her foot under her knee and picked at the bottom of her jeans.
“About forty-five minutes after the team left, the radio started exploding with shouts. The team leader had slipped into the camp to ‘get a closer look.’” He used air quotes and huffed. “He did nothing but get caught, bringing an angry ants’ nest down on the team. I radioed to them an alternative extraction point, but he shot me down. Commanded me to stay where I was.” His voice got tight with emotion. “Do you know how hard it was to sit there and listen to the team, my friends, yelling about another man down?”
Tears pricked her eyes, and she wrapped her hand around his arm and scooted closer.
“After fifteen minutes of it, I radioed in a closer rendezvous and went and got them. When we arrived back at the base and debriefed, Rambo concocted a story about it being my fault since I disobeyed his orders and didn’t come get them earlier.”
“No!” she gasped, snapping up and looking at him. “And the commander believed him?”
“With base issuing radio silence between us and them, there wasn’t any way to prove him wrong.” Bjørn settled back into the bench. “A few of the guy’s team disputed the accusation, but it still took time to sort out. Somehow, he was even able to get the mission recording from our communications deleted. It wasn’t until his team went out on another mission and he botched that one, too, that the rest of his team came forward about what really happened. But it was too late to clean up all the rumors that had circulated, still are circulating from what your dad said.”
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered past the pain in her throat.
No wonder he hadn’t wanted to defend himself. He’d spent more than enough time doing that before. He shouldn’t have it follow him here.
“I did mess up, so I deserve the criticism.” His hand loosened in hers, but she didn’t let go. “I should have gone in when things first blew up. I had the alternative extraction point set up. If I would have just went with my gut, we may not have lost the soldiers we did on that mission.”
“That wasn’t your fault.” She squeezed his arm in a hug. “He shouldn’t have done what he did to begin with. If he would’ve stuck to the plan, all the team would’ve made it back, probably without the camp ever knowing.”
“Yeah, you’re right. It’s just …” His voice trailed off, and she wondered if he would continue.
Though it went against every atom in her body, she stayed silent. She mirrored his slow, steady breathing against her arm. Longing for him to continue warred with worry for what he would say. He took a deep breath, and she tipped her head to watch him.
“It’s just that my failure to get to them in time and their deaths hang on me like a cloak of shadows I can’t take off.” Bjørn’s next breath shuddered in and out. “All those I lost over the years shroud over me. Their memories hurt, but comfort at the same time, egg me to do better, to stretch myself further to save more lives.” He shook his head with a self-deprecating laugh. “Why am I telling you this?”
“I’m glad you did.” She hugged his arm tightly, clamping his hand between hers.
He finally glanced down at her, his intense gaze pooling her insides into molten lava. “Me too.”
She leaned her head on his shoulder and let out an inaudible sigh. This man was unlike any she’d ever known. He’d experienced more than she’d ever imagined and had the weight of those echoes on him like scars. Here was a man who might see her own disfigurement and not turn away in disgust.