“You don’t like that I deal, do you?” I’m blunt. I’ll get straight to the point and put this shit to bed.
“No, I don’t.”
“Is that the only thing?” I ask her.
She takes in a steady breath and nods her head. It fucking sucks, 'cause it’s not like this is a job I can just walk away from.
“It pays the bills. It’s not really illegal.”
“It is really illegal,” she says straight faced.
Selling pot isn’t so bad. It’s legal in some states. This is a college town, and I keep my business as clean as possible. But some of the shit I’ve done has definitely crossed the line. I rub the back of my neck sighing before turning back to her. Just let it be sweetheart. I’ll take care of her; that’s what matters.
The look on her face tells me it’s not going to be that easy though.
I shrug. She has no right to judge me. She doesn’t know what a shit hand I’ve been dealt. I turn the car off and the radio dies, leaving the car filled with silence.
“I don’t lose any sleep over it.” That’s a lie. The second I say it, I regret it. She crosses her arms over her chest, gripping onto her forearms and looking out of the window. It’s dark and cold outside. Her head falls against the window gently, and her breath fogs up the glass.
She’s completely closed off now, and I know it’s 'cause I was short with her.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” I never say sorry, but seeing her hurt and disappointed fucking kills me. Anyone else? I’d say fuck 'em. But it’s Emma. “I just don’t want you to get involved with this. You don’t need to know this shit.”
“But I want to be involved with you,” she says so quietly I almost don’t hear. “I remember how I fell for you, Derek. It’s scaring me. I don’t want to fall for someone who’s...” she doesn’t finish that sentence and it fucking shreds me.
Who’s a criminal.
Who’s no good for her.
“I’m not a knight in shining armor, Emma. But I’m not gonna hurt you. And I won’t let anyone else hurt you either.” I can promise her that. She looks away, and is quiet for a moment. The chill of the night starts creeping into the car, but I’m not starting it again. I’m taking her out, whether she likes it or not.
“Have you ever killed anyone?” Emma asks softly. Like she’s afraid of the answer. She turns her head to the side, peeking at me from the corner of her eye.
I don’t answer her. I don’t want to. When she knew me, I was just a peddler. I needed money for Ma, and I did shit I wasn’t proud of. When Emma left me, I only got deeper and deeper into this life. I had nothing else going for me.
And in this line of business, death happens.
When you have a name that people recognize, some pricks are going to challenge you. It doesn’t happen anymore, but it did in the past.
The only name coming to mind right now is my father’s though.
I turn away from her and lean back in my seat, running my hand through my hair. “You know you don’t wanna know the answer to that, sweetheart.” I can’t look at her when I answer. I know just the way her forehead pinches and her beautiful lips turn down when she’s upset. And I can’t fucking stand it.
Killing my father didn’t feel the same as the other fuckers. Those assholes had it coming. It was me or them, and it was all business, nothing personal.
When my father came back and started thinking he had rights to the money I was giving Ma, it was personal.
She needed that money. She deserves a good life, and she still doesn’t know what I do. That fucker thought he could come back and beat on the two of us just like he used to. He only got two swings in until he was on the ground, choking on his own blood as I landed my fist over and over.
Tony had to pry me off of him. I don’t know how long he’d been dead.
“Don’t ask questions you don’t wanna know the answers to,” I finally tell her. I look deep into those beautiful hazel eyes and I see something I’ve never seen before, a hint of fear.
“I never enjoyed it. I don’t go looking for trouble. But for a while, trouble came to me.”
“You didn’t have to-”
“You don’t know, Emma.” My words come out sharp, and she looks as if I’ve slapped her. I’m gutted by the expression on her face and the fear in her eyes.