Her hand curled into a fist atop my chest and I half expected her to strike out, but she held very still.
“He got worse and worse. By the time Josh was eight, I knew we wouldn’t survive much longer. And my mother was so lost in her own depression and addiction that she didn’t have the strength to help us. She was broken, fighting her own demons. I know that now. I hated her for a long time, but sitting in prison gave me a lot of time to think.”
Years. My mate had spent years in a human prison for killing another human. Now I feared I understood. “You killed Martin to protect your family.”
The sound she made was half groan, half sob. “I did it for Josh. Not for me or for my mom. We were already a lost cause. I flunked out of school. I was trying to work to buy food, but I couldn’t leave Josh home alone at night. I knew Martin would kill him eventually. I knew it. He got more and more violent every time.”
“So you did what you had to do to protect your brother.”
“It was Sunday. I worked a shift at the restaurant on Sunday mornings, good tips for breakfast after everyone gets out of church.”
“What is church?”
“It’s a place some humans go to practice their religion. While I was at work, my mother called me. She was babbling and crying and I couldn’t understand a word she said. I heard Martin yelling at her and Josh screaming at him. I went home as fast as I could.”
“You are very brave, mate. And very strong.”
She was shaking her head, her disagreement clear through our collars.
“By the time I got home, Martin was passed out in his stupid recliner. Drunk. High. I don’t know. But he was out of it.” She shuddered. “I went looking for my mom. She was on the floor in her bedroom, foam in her mouth. I checked for a pulse, but…she was gone. Overdosed on something. I kept quiet and went looking for Josh. He was in the closet, curled into a ball, crying. He was eight. Eight years old. I pulled him out of there and I snapped. I couldn’t take any more.”
Her emotions went cold, numb. I felt her body’s warmth next to me, but her mind had gone somewhere dark and empty. I knew that place, had been there many times myself. Numb. Detached. Distanced from what I should have been feeling. I recognized the need to become unfeeling. Efficient. A machine.
“I knew our neighbor had a shotgun, so I took Josh over there and made up some excuse. I don’t even remember the lie I told, but it worked. When I knew she was busy getting him something to eat, I stole the gun and a couple of shells. I went home. Martin hadn’t moved. I knew if I let him live, my brother and I would be put in his care. I thought my mom was dead. So I put the end of the shotgun right in front of his heart and I—”
“Hush. You do not need to relive this—”
“I killed him.”
“How old were you?”
“Seventeen. But they tried me as an adult.”
“I do not understand.”
“I had to stand trial for murder even though, legally, I was still a kid. I went to prison, and Josh went into the foster care system. He ended up being adopted a couple years later.”
The blank emptiness was gone, replaced by loss. Regret. Grief. “You love Josh still. When did you see him last?”
“I didn’t see him at all, for years. But I had my attorney keep tabs on him for me. So, I knew when he got adopted and how he was doing. When he turned eighteen, he came to see me.” A hot stab of love mixed with loss filled me as she spoke of him. “He wanted to thank me. He remembered everything, you know? He thanked me for killing Martin and feeding him and taking care of him. He told me he loved me.”
Great heaving sobs racked her body.
“Why did you not volunteer to be a bride earlier? Why did you wait so long? You could have been with a warrior, protected and cherished, as you should have been your entire life.”
She was shaking her head. “No. I couldn’t leave until I knew Josh was going to be okay. He’s going to college, right now. He’s a freshman. And he’s got a really good scholarship. He’s smart. He told me he’s going to go to law school so he can help kids like us. He’s going to be okay. I had the Interstellar Brides Program give my money to him, for college.”
“You are on another world, and still you provide for him. Protect him. You are a female of worth.”
My final words caused her to weep uncontrollably, her mental anguish a storm of chaos I had to ride out with no hope of understanding. Her emotions moved with lightning speed through the collars, flashing from sorrow to rage to love to regret to hope. Her heart was exploding with a lifetime’s worth of repressed emotions.
She was safe with me. Nothing would harm her, touch her, threaten her. “Nothing will ever hurt you again, mate. I give you my word.”
That caused a flash of anger, directed toward me. Her anger faded almost instantly to despair. Sadness. “What about watching you die? I can’t do that, Thomar. I can’t.”
Fuck. She was right. “I should not have allowed you to become emotionally attached to me. I am sorry. I should have maintained my distance and allowed Varin to fuck you, hold you, be with you. I should have asked the doctor to keep me sedated until it was time for the claiming ceremony.”
“Damn it. That’s not what I meant.” She did strike me with her fist on the chest. Immediately after, she moaned my name and reached to place her palm against my cheek in a very feminine caress. “I tried not to fall in love with you, but it didn’t work. I want every minute I can get, Thomar. Every second.”