Listening to Siri spout off the name Tyler makes her call him, I roll my eyes and shake my head.
“Don’t judge me. Siri speaks the truth,” Tyler says distractedly as he presses the speaker button and talks into his phone once again. “Siri, my friend needs to buy some thongs for a chick he almost banged. Where the f**k is Victoria’s Secret?”
“I do not appreciate your tone of voice, Hot Lover Boy Big Penis Man Titty Tickler.”
Tyler curses at his phone.
“Why exactly do we need to go to Victoria’s Secret for thongs?” I question.
“Um, hello? Item number seven on the list. Buy that bitch some lingerie.”
Damn, I forgot about that one. Come to think of it, I’m surprised I even know my name after what happened last night with Charlotte. I don’t even need to close my eyes to remember what it felt like to have her small, warm hand wrapped around me. Things escalated quickly between us in my kitchen, and I hope to God she doesn’t have any regrets because I want a repeat performance as soon as possible. One where I actually last more than a few seconds. I have no idea what any of this means. Is she going to break up with Rocco now? Was last night a fluke because she was a little buzzed and it will never happen again? Why the f**k can’t vaginas come with instruction manuals?
“Siri, you are a worthless piece of shit,” Tyler complains.
“I could say the same about you.”
“You f**king whore! Take a note, Siri. Go f**k your mother.”
“This note has been recorded and added to your Notepad.”
“FUCK YOU!”
“I do not understand your request, but I could search the web for ‘fuck you.’”
“How about you search the web for why you’re such a cunt cake?”
“I don’t think you appreciate me anymore, Hot Lover Boy Big Penis Man Titty Tickler.”
“I’m sorry, Siri. I still love you.”
“Impossible.”
“PIPE THE FUCK DOWN AND TAKE A COMPLIMENT, YOU WHORE FACE BAG OF DICKS!”
Tyler tosses his cell in the center console and crosses his arms angrily in front of him.
“You seriously need a girlfriend. The relationship you have with Siri is disturbing,” I tell him as we pull into the hospital parking lot.
“She’s a bitch, but she’s the only woman who understands me. And anyway, do you know any single women who would call me Hot Lover Boy Big Penis Man Titty Tickler?” he questions.
“I don’t know any single women who could even just think that in their heads without throwing up in their mouths a little,” I reply as I find a parking spot.
“Exactly. So, anyway, I’m going to guess your mom never told your dad about the whole ‘shroom chocolate incident since I haven’t heard about any hits out on me.”
“You’re lucky my dad never found out. Your body would be buried in a ditch somewhere.”
“Aww, I think Carter would take it easy on me. That’s the best trip he’s ever had. You’re mom probably got laid in the hospital,” Tyler says with a frustrated groan. “I knew I should have stuck around longer. She probably would have thrown me a bone.”
“In what universe would my mother ever throw you a bone?”
“In Tylerverse. Where there are rivers of beer and naked chicks servicing me all over the land,” Tyler replies.
“I’m going upstairs to take a nap. I still don’t feel all that great,” my dad tells us as we walk into my parents’ house an hour later.
“I could make you a snack if you’d like. Maybe some delicious chocolates?” Tyler shouts to his retreating back as my dad makes his way up the stairs. I shoot him a dirty look as the front door opens behind us and my mother walks in carrying an armload of paperwork.
“How’s your father?” she asks, handing me the paperwork so I can set it on the foyer table.
“He’s okay. He just went upstairs to lie down.”
Tyler walks up next to me and winks at my mom.
“Hello, Claire. You’re looking beautiful as always,” Tyler says with a cocky smile.
My mom, who normally looks like she wants to chop off Tyler’s balls and feed them to the nearest shark tank, gets a sudden gleam in her eye. This is not good.
“Hey there, hot stuff. How about you come over here and show Mama a little sugar,” my mom says with a sultry purr to her voice that I’ve never heard before. It makes me wince and gag a little.
“Um, I don’t … what?” Tyler squeaks.
My mom saunters over to Tyler with a sway of her hips and stops right in front of him, letting her tongue skim her bottom lip.
I’m going to puke. I’m totally going to puke all over the floor right now. What the f**k is she doing?
Mom presses her palm against Tyler’s chest and leans in close until her lips are grazing his ear. “You’re heart is beating so fast, big boy. Want Mama to make it all better?”
Tyler’s face immediately turns ten shades of red, and his eyes are so wide I’m surprised they haven’t popped out of his head. His fantasy has come to life and he’s realizing it’s really a nightmare.
“What’s wrong, Tyler-pooh? I thought this is what you wanted?”
Tyler shakes his head back and forth frantically, looking over at me in a panic. As disgusting as this is to witness right now, I’m pretty sure Tyler is going to be scared straight when it comes to my mother and his sexual comments.