“You can talk to me,” he said, sounding disappointed. “And we should talk about what happened.”
I stared at him, assuming he meant us kissing.
“You led me to Emma,” he said instead. “Your eyes changed colour, and you started walking until we found her. And then she fell into the water.”
“No.” I covered my ears. “I… I didn’t do anything to her.”
“Hey.” He took my hands away and held them. “Of course you didn’t. That’s not what I’m saying.Adamdropped her.Youbasically saved her, Margo.”
My laugh was sharp and harsh. “I stood there like a fool while you jumped into the water. I didn’t help her at all.”
“We both know you did,” he said firmly. “You brought me there for a reason.”
“How could I? That doesn’t make any sense.” My breath came out in short gasps, and the fear that had been prickling my gut for days exploded, making it harder to think straight. “I didn’t know any of that. I swear. I’m not even sure what happened.”
“I know,” he said. “But if you hadn’t brought me there, Emma might have died. She was caught in the reeds underwater. She hit her head, and she could have drowned. But you knew we had to be there.”
“I’m not…” I broke out of his grip and abruptly stood, my hands trembling as I picked up my bag then backed up away from Dorian. “What you’re saying is impossible, and I don’t want to talk about it!”
I left him there, cutting my last class to leave school early. He said things I wasn’t ready to hear, things that couldn’t make sense. I couldn’t focus on anything else. I hadn’t been sure, but he said I led him to Emma. But what if it hadn’t been to save her? What if me being there had somehow caused the accident? How would I even know? Dorian thought I was a hero, but what if I wasn’t?
How could I have known anyway?
Frustrated, I wandered around for a while before going home at the usual time. I sat in my room, listening to my lovebirds chatter while I stared at my unfinished homework. I took the comic I’d bought out of the drawer and stared at it, trying to find a connection between me and the hero on the page. I couldn’t.
I was so lonely. It was hard not having another soul to talk to, and even when one came along, not being able to tell them what I was really thinking in case it repulsed them felt worse.
“This is no way to live,” I told my lovebirds.
They ignored me.
* * *
I avoidedDorian for the next couple of days. He kept approaching me at lunch, but all I had to do was shake my head, and he’d go back inside without a word. I didn’t want him to go, but I was scared of what he’d say if he stayed. I was scared of what he’d say when he heard my whole story, how I woke up next to dead things, how my sleepwalking brought me to fresh graves that I tried to dig up. I wanted him to like me, enjoyed the way he looked at me as though I were something special, something good. But the real me was a horror show.
By Wednesday evening, I was sick to death of being alone in my room, unable to concentrate on my homework and pretending to my parents that I was okay. I was acting like a wimp about everything, and it had to stop.
“I’m going out,” I told my lovebirds. “I mean it this time. So what if I’m not wanted at the drama club? I’ll just find a new interest. I’ll put myself out there, meet people. I don’t have to tell anyone my secrets.” Especially when I didn’t actually understand my own secrets.
And why not go out? What was the worst that could happen? Everybody already hated me. It couldn’t get much worse. So I changed and headed to the community centre for the self-defence class. After everything Dorian had said about Ms. Rivers and her boyfriend, I couldn’t imagine them being cruel to me. And maybe I needed to mentally punch something, to put all of the energy and doubt in my veins somewhere other than worrying about things I couldn’t change.
When I arrived at the community centre, the main hall was full of people I didn’t know, most of them appearing to be in their late twenties. I spotted Nathan Evans and Ms. Rivers chatting happily to a group of townies. I even thought I saw one of the paramedics from Emma’s accident. So noteverybodyhated each other then.
“Hey!”
I jumped about a foot in the air as Dorian lunged into my line of sight. He seemed hyped, but he always carried an energetic, fidgety vibe.
I pressed my hand over my heart. “You scared the ever-living crap out of me.”
He shrugged. “Sorry. Didn’t know you’d be here.”
“Your… whatever invited me.”
He glanced over his shoulder. I was ninety percent sure Ms. Rivers winked at him. “I bet she did.” He looked at me. “You’re talking to me now?”
“As long as you don’t talk about… stuff.”
He ran his hand through his hair, a conflicted look in his eyes. Finally he nodded. “Agreed. But only because I missed you.”