It took all her focus to make it home, get inside, and lock the world on the other side of the door.
A cry tore from her throat the moment she made it to her bedroom. Tears spilled down her face, and she clutched her sides, trying to keep the shuddering from getting out of control. It wasn’t supposed to hurt like this. It wasn’t supposed to hurt at all. That was the point of promisingno strings. It was the reason any of the teasing was okay. It had never been simply teasing, though. It always meant more, despite what they called it.
It hadn’t felt like this with Archer or anyone else. The pain of all the guys she’d ever broken up with, put together, didn’t ache as much as this. Sinking into depression was the exact opposite of what she wanted.
She dropped down onto her mattress, pulled her knees to her chest, and cried until most of the hurt washed down her cheeks. Her frantic gasps slowed, and she forced herself to take a few deep breaths. Calm crept through her, slowly evicting the desperation.
Life wouldn’t end because she couldn’t slide her nails up his back and hold him close any more. Forgetting what his lips felt like when they brushed her neck, the hint of five o’clock shadow scuffing her skin, was no big deal.
Watching from a distance while Zane’s demons devoured him was far better than doing it up close and personal.
Right?
Chapter Nineteen
Zane stared at theempty room, trying to smother his thoughts with the same all-encompassing absence of anything. Focusing on the numbness was easier than acknowledging how much every inch of him ached.
Riley was gone. If she was smart, she wasn’t coming back. Acid surged in his throat and left a foul taste in his mouth.
When he’d woken up and seen her near tears, then realized why, it slammed into him. He’d done that. He made the same mistake as last time. Let what he wanted—his own selfish wants—hurt someone else.
It was true this was nothing compared to the pain he caused last time. On the other hand, this was Riley. The one person he specifically swore he’d never hurt.
And saying the things he did to her, the way he forced her hand and made her leave, that hurt as much as any of it. He knew what he’d done. Said things meant to push her away. It was better this way in the long run, but it still sucked.
Sabrina was right. Any excuses he came up with for why he couldn’t take the job, all the bullshit about morals, were him lying to himself. He grabbed his phone and dialed Sabrina.
Each ring was another hammer blow against his eardrums. Loud, brash, and shattering. He didn’t know if he was relieved or disappointed when her voice mail clicked on. “It’s Zane Petrov. Call me back.”
He disconnected and let the phone fall to the mattress as he fell back.Fuck.The impulse to track down Riley and apologize raced through him. To take it all back and make her smile again. That would make them both feel better now, but it wasn’t the best solution long term. She’d recover from this and be happier for it.
He couldn’t lie in bed all day, letting his thoughts chase themselves until he was so dizzy he wanted to scream. He needed to get out of here.
Fifteen minutes later, showered, dressed, and no closer to finding his center, he pulled his truck onto the main road and pointed it in a random direction. He wasn’t sure where he was going, except south. There wasn’t a lot of choice, leaving The Aves.
He followed the roads wherever they went. This time of the morning, there wasn’t a lot of traffic to contend with, so it was easy to pick and choose random routes. When he turned down a familiar street, nostalgia and regret hit him hard. How had he not realized he was so close to home?