“What are you thinking about?” she asked.
He shifted on the couch, turning to face her and tucking one foot under the other knee. “The day I packed up and left for MEPS.”
She searched for some hint in his expression, but an impassive gaze stared back at her. She remembered when he shipped off for boot camp. How hard it had been to saygoodbyeat the airport. How something had been off. She’d assumed it was that his entire life was about to change.
“I couldn’t sit still that morning. Watching the clock, waiting... And then it was almost time to go. I looked everywhere for Granddad and finally found him on the back porch.”
Zane’s mother passed away when he was eight. That had been the most horrible summer Riley remembered from their childhood. He withdrew completely, and it took months to get him to talk again. His grandfather had raised him after that.
She always thought the older man was odd, even overly strict. Like when Zane was nine and had complained he was too big for his bed. The next night his bed had vanished, and he spent almost a month sleeping on the floor.
When his granddad replaced the missing bed—with something very high-end, at least for a nine-year old—he said something like,The difference between knowing a thing and understanding a thing is complacency.
Regardless of his quirks though, the man was always kind to Riley, and Zane saw him as a father, so she gave him some leeway.
“And?” she asked.
“He didn’t say anything for several minutes.” Zane rested his arm on the back of the couch, staring at something past her she knew she wouldn’t see if she turned around. “I’ve never forgotten what he said when he spoke.”
She couldn’t help but frown at his distant look, and didn’t dare interrupt the half-memory.
“He told me my mother had always had an uncanny talent for bringing joy and comfort to those who needed it.” He clenched and unclenched his fist. “That he’d known from the time I was five that I wouldn’t be the same.”
“That’s not fair.” A wave of fury rose in her.
He held up his hand. “He was right.”
“No.”
Zane gave a tiny smile. “He told me people like us—him and me—that it was our personal responsibility to see that people like Ma”—he trailed off and then finally gave her his full attention again—“andyoualways had that opportunity. That men like me were born evil, and that was our redemption.”
“What does that mean?” Riley couldn’t fathom a person saying something so cruel, especially to someone they’d raised as a son. “You’re not evil. You’re as far from it as possible.”
“Are you sure? I’ve thought about that a lot since.” His face was devoid of emotion. Which was a little eerie, considering the haunted look he’d worn so much lately. “You know how I spent my life before I enlisted. Just because I wasn’t shoplifting or mugging people doesn’t mean I wasn’t a thief. I stole electronic versions of games. I hacked security systems, because I could, and took what most would call insider information, to see how it would play out on the stock market.”
“But...” She struggled for an argument, but it was true. Those things had been wrong. She still didn’t getevilfrom them, though.
“Enlisting gave me permission to do it legally.”
“Except you walked away,” she said. “You hit that point where you knew it was wrong, and you left.”
“Walked away. Right. Granddad said the job offer was coming too. That people with my gray-area ethics were sought after. That someone would buy me, and they’d meet my price.”
Riley didn’t know what to do with the information. She did know there was too much pain and self-doubt associated with it, and she couldn’t even begin to touch it. “Except they couldn’t buy you. If he were right, you’d have taken the CIA job.”
“Right. Exactly. I turned them down.” His words sounded hollow. Lacked conviction.
Zane couldn’t have done anythingtoobad. He was lost in a guilt she didn’t understand but wanted to help erase.
She leaned her head on his arm. “If that’s all that happened, it’s not a big deal.”Is it all that happened?The question stuck in the back of her throat. It was rude to ask, but a tiny voice said maybe she was terrified he’d give her an answer other thanyes.
He didn’t look convinced, and the haunted look of the memory lingered in his gaze. “But what if I’d done something else?”
“You don’t have to keep that stuff to yourself. I’m always here to listen. I know you look up to your granddad, but he’s wrong about this. You’re not evil.”
Whatever doubts nagged in the back of her mind, they didn’t deserve her attention. Zane needed her. He’d do the same for her, not that she could imagine being that lost in her past or keeping it to herself if she was.
She stood, ignoring the question on his face, and pulled his foot out so it was straight on the couch. She turned her back to him and sat between his legs. Pulling his arm around her, she settled her back against his chest. Maybe he didn’t need the comfort, but after a revelation like that, she didn’t know how someone couldn’t. She was relieved when he didn’t pull away.