Chapter Twenty-Four
Distant echoes of a phone ringing somewhere broke me out of my peaceful slumber. How many times had that blasted sound hounded me out of sleep?
I groaned out loud, my mind registering the odd feeling in my butt, snapping me out of fogginess just as everything fell into place.
Memory after memory came crashing down like a domino effect in my mind. Not only had I had sex with the fevered-induced River, but I had also made him ravage the other part that I hadn’t dreamt of ever doing. It was a known fact that River’s touch was fatal to my senses. There was no escaping it. Given that he had been able enough to have sex, I was sure he would survive being by himself now.
Slowly opening my lids, the brightness of the room made me flinch. Did I leave the curtains wide open last night? I couldn’t recall.
Inching to the edge of the bed, I was about to push myself upward when I felt his determined arm pull be back into the mattress.
“What the heck!”
“You’re not going anywhere,” he grated in my ear before he roughly climbed on top of my body, trapping me with his own as he gravely stared down into my face. “Last night … I heard what you said.”
His body was still beyond warm, but instead of focusing on his health, I frowned as I considered his question. Then my heart began to stampede as his question dawned on me.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” What was he referring to?
His eyes were unflinching, capturing me with utmost intensity, raking my soul. “You said you loved me.”
Oh, that!I said it out loud?
Frick. Frack. Frock. I had been so out of my bloody mind that I couldn’t even manage to filter my mouth these days.
Nervously licking my lips, my eyes wavered from focus, needing to hide from his intrusive gaze. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I, um, was too overwhelmed. I wasn’t thinking straight—”
Steadfastly capturing my chin, he tilted it slightly so there was no escaping his interrogation. He wanted to see my heart. He wanted to see what I was trying to hide from him.
“Are you … in love with me?” There was a short tremor in his voice, yet his eyes remained obtrusively unyielding. Those impenetrable orbs felt like lasers, ready to burn me if I wasn’t truthful.
My eyes nervously flickered back and forth. I felt … everything.
“River, please—”
“For once just speak the truth, Cara,” he unbendingly commanded, beseeching. “I beg you.”
Oh God … What should I do? If I confirmed his suspicion, what would happen to me? He was pleading for the truth—my truth. What would I be sacrificing if I uttered what truly was in my heart.
Feeling beyond vulnerable, tears began to spring out of my eyes as I tried to avoid his gaze. “What I said is true … but nothing’s changed. I hope you can see that.”
He let go of me as if being close to me scalded him. “How can you say that? Do you know how long I’ve waited for you, Cara? Do you have any idea? Every fucking night … you’ve slowly killed me. I’ve given you my heart, my body—anything I could think of to make amends for my sins, for hurting you in such a cruel way. But nothing I did could ever heal your hurt. I’d drink myself to sleep because I couldn’t stand knowing you’re out somewhere with Kyle. And when I heard you that night after I came back from Ireland … I was beside myself. I did whatever I could to make this fucking pain … in here”—he smashed his fist to his chest—“to be gone. I wanted you gone.
“You fucked with my mind too much, and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you again. So, I did what men normally do when they’re fucked up. But you must know, you’ve owned me from the very beginning. You’re the only thing that I care about. You’re the only happiness I know, Cara.
“When my days are dark, one look at you and everything is fine. I’m a troubled soul, but you calm the ghosts that haunt me. These past years without you have been some of the hardest years for me. You knew what you’d do to me if you vanished, and you did it anyway, punishing me for my stupidity.
“How can you ask me to let you go when you taught me what love is? When you showed me what happiness feels like? All of my happy memories—each and every one of them—you’re in them. So, tell me, Cara, where do I go from here? Please fucking tell me!”
I was at a loss. Shifting my body so I could sit back, I toyed with the sheets, wondering where I could even begin explaining the intricate complications of my heart.
“Hail—”
“Do you honestly think I can be with anyone now, knowing you’re in love with me?” River immediately interrupted. “Fuck no! I’m not letting you go. You’re mine. You’re always going to be mine, Cara,” He stated vehemently. “Over my dead fucking corpse, I’m never letting you go.”
The moisture in my eyes began to spring again. “You’re going to hurt me again. You can be so reckless—I know you … I’ll give you everything, and you’re just going to shit over everything over something so stupid!”
“Cara,” he whispered, taking hold of my hands and planting a kiss on each one before gazing into my face. “I can’t swear that I won’t hurt you. I don’t know the future, my love. But what I can promise you is that I will never put anything before you ever again. You will be my priority, and whatever I do workwise, I’ll do it with your permission. I’m not going to make the same mistake.