“Is that what bothered you about going to jail? I mean aside from the fact that you were innocent but were you afraid to leave Viv and Torrey alone?”
“I was.”
“Then why did you take the plea deal?”
“Because with the plea deal I knew how much time I would serve. I knew if I kept my head low, I would be able to see them in a set amount of time. The court case could have dragged on forever, and I couldn’t risk it.”
“When you woke up and then saw everyone including Averie had been by your side the entire time, then how did you feel?”
“Like a burden.”
“Explain.”
“The nurse told me that Averie was at the hospital every day, washing me and exercising my legs. She took care of me the same way the nurses did. I would expect that from Mom and Torrey because they are my family but Averie could have easily moved on.”
“That’s a good thing, correct?”
“It’s a great thing, but she didn’t deserve it. She’s young and beautiful she shouldn’t have been cooped up in the hospital taking care of me.”
“Love causes us to do things that may seem strange to others. I never heard her complain. It appeared to me that she wanted to be there, not out of some sense of loyalty but out of love. Probably the same way you nearly killed that guy that attacked her. Now that the hospital part is over, how do you feel?”
“I feel needy…”
“Like you are the one that needs the protection instead of being the protector?”
“Yes, I mean it’s gotten a lot better, but I don’t want to have to ask Averie to bring me my cane or help me do something. I feel like less of a man.”
“Because she’s helping you?”
I nodded.
“You have to let go of the notion that you always have to be strong. Let go and let her love you. Let her show you love the way she knows how. Don’t direct her love the way you direct everything around you. Release the stress of having to be strong and let her be strong for you sometimes. It’s okay. You are with the right one to hold you up. The coma was a blessing in that it showed you how she handles adversity. This erectile thing shows you how she handles the worse. She doesn’t run. From the moment you took Averie as yours, you never had to worry about shouldering anything by yourself again. Has she asked for anything or complained about your erectile dysfunction?”
“No, not one word but I want to give her the world for what she’s done for me, but I can’t even make love to her.”
“Stop trying to repay Averie for something that she is freely giving you. If you want to give her nice things because you love her, then fine but don’t go off this notion that she did something for you that she didn’t have to do therefore you are going to pay her back. That’s not how love works. You will push her away because she will see right through your gifts to your motives. Don’t try to repay her. Just love her because it seems like that’s all she really needs from you. Receive the gift that God has given you in Averie. Her shoulders are not as broad as yours, but when she stands next to you, your burden is lighter. You have to let go of the idea that you are the only one that can protect and care for your family. While you were in jail, your mother and Torrey held things together just fine without your instruction. When you were in the coma, Averie was the consummate host and caretaker. You are surrounded by some very strong women. You have to learn to relinquish some of the power. Forgive yourself for whatever you think you’ve done. The shooting was not your fault. The hospitalization was not your fault. Release yourself from the burden of that guilt.”
“That’s a lot easier said than done.”
“If you want to get back to your normal self then you are going to have to.”
* * *
“Are you coming to bed tonight?”Averie asked after finding me in my home office.
Staring out into the night’s sky, I replayed my conversation with JD. He was right, but I didn’t know how to move forward. I didn’t know how to forgive myself. Averie had changed into her white silk nightgown which was one of my favorite pieces of her lingerie. I was aroused but still didn’t get hard, which pissed me off.
“I don’t know,” I shrugged.
I hadn’t slept in the bed with her for several days. I hadn’t felt like being next to her. Not being able to satisfy her fueled my anger and irritation.
“Am I going to be sleeping alone every night?”
I shrugged.
“If that’s the case, I can go and sleep alone in my own apartment.”
I took a sip from my glass of cognac and didn’t respond.