“The double booking ended up as the final piece of plans-already-gone-wrong. They all canceled.” Her expression darkened, but she turned her face away. “Some of them had good reasons—a family emergency, a plane delay in St. Louis—”
“Where the tornado hit?”
“I really am behind on news.” She shook her head. “Yes, that one. The other two? I don’t know why they bailed.”
“I’m sure they had a reason,” I said, despite having never met any of her college friends.
But I knew Jillian. She was loyal and cared for others by paying attention to what they liked and accommodating them. Planning this trip and organizing the event was part of how she showed she cared. I’d never forgotten how she’d intentionally included others. She was a big reason why I’d known so many of the townie kids up here. Our summers were filled with bike rides, epic games of capture the flag across five backyards, and campfire nights at any of a dozen houses on the street. That was Jillian being Jillian and demanding we befriend the whole block.
She’d tried to connect with her friends again and it all blew up. And then she had to deal with me.
I needed to make it up to her. She didn’t deserve all this disappointment.
“It’s like they all moved on after graduation and I kept on going to school,” she said. “Okay, that is literally what happened, but I mean we had intended to keep in touch, but it didn’t happen the way I’d pictured.”
“It rarely does, does it?”
I expected to find some bite in her expression at my remark, but her features softened. “Yeah, it rarely does.”
5
Jillian
Coasting across the lake at sunset might be in my top favorite things ever list. Perhaps I could forge my own rudder after all. This was nostalgia in the best way. Connecting with nature and remembering the good times.
My in-boat company wasn’t so bad either. Adam let the sunset do the talking and smartly let me have some quiet time at the back of the boat. I stayed there as we circled back to the house.
He’d provided an explanation for what happened between us, which I’d wanted for so long. I’d been stubborn enough not to track him down for the answer, and even now, the chance came as pure happenstance. Part of my anger with Adam was he hadn’t sought me out to give an explanation. It was embarrassing how long I’d held on to the idea he’d show up and realize he’d made a crucial mistake by breaking up with me.
For too long, I’d daydreamed he would appear at my dorm on a Friday night with flowers in hand and grovel on bended knee. I’d imagined him finding me in the crowd at football games or randomly on campus as I walked to class. At each of my graduations. He’d been there, a ghost of a memory, for all of it.
If he had ever shown up, you bet I would have let him have it with a meticulously worded lecture I’d rehearsed over and over in my mind. But I would have forgiven him. As the years went by, those daydreams faded until I had no reasons left to conjure his memory.
Early on, I’d been desperate to forgive him. Though I’d never been willing to go to him first. That unwillingness, plus a legion of friends old and new who urged me to move on, solidified my resolve. I would not cave.
And I hadn’t. Until now.
I should have been happy to get the explanation I’d been wanting all this time. But things felt as unresolved as ever. It was as if he’d told me the reason but not the heart behind it. He may have believed he wasn’t cut out for a traditional college and career path, but how could he have actually let me go? And so easily? Without a word for years?
I had more questions than answers.
On the way up to the house, we exchanged words only related to lodging. Towels were in the linen closet beside the first-floor bathroom. He would try not to make any construction noise until at least nine in the morning if I wanted to sleep in.
I closed the door to my little lilac room and sank onto the bed with its squeaky springs. I laid back on the pillow, fully clothed.
I faced a true crossroads. No more school—ever. Now onto career and…what else? My friends from high school were getting married. Some already had kids. One was even newly divorced. I’d wanted so badly to connect with my college friends because we’d all been focused on careers and hadn’t done the proverbial “settling down” so many of our families seemed to be questioning us about. We had an occasional, and lively, text chain to vent about such things, and anything else that came up. Why settle for texts when we could get together in person and really support each other?
That had been the idea at least.
Now, I faced a different crossroads staying at Adam’s. I couldn’t handle harboring this hurt for another decade.
I shot up. What was I thinking staying here? In his house. Adam was right across the hall, probably getting undressed and slipping beneath smooth, cool sheets.
My heart drummed. I’d dreamed about this man for years. As hurt as I’d been, he was the guy I could never fully forget. I’d thought it had all been in my head, but I wasn’t being honest with myself. Ever since Adam, I’d closed off my heart to anything close to love.
The guys I’d dated since Adam had never been very serious. Stu, as much as I liked him, was more of a convenience. Our schedules fit together. He was kind, but not very interesting. Other guys were fun, but I’d viewed our dating as more casual.
Funny, that. Almost as if I’d kept them at arm’s length.