“Okay,” I say finally.
“I’ll make it up to you,” he says, reaching over and laying a hand on my thigh. He gives a reassuring squeeze, and when I meet his eye, he flashes his dimples in a pleading, tentative smile. “I promise, Rae. That’s not who I am. You know that, right?”
I do know that. Don’t I?
I’ve been living with the guys for a while, and I think I know them pretty well. But they’re both complicated. Maddox is hard to know, since he’s so moody. Lennox seems easier to know, but then he goes and does something like this. He’s all sweet and cute to me at home, but he’s still a gangster.
I turn to him. “Can I ask you something?”
“Si,” he says, pulling off the interstate when we reach Faulkner.
“Have you ever killed someone?”
He takes his hand off my knee to hit the blinker while he comes to a stop at the bottom of the ramp. “You mean a girl?”
“Anyone.”
He turns onto the empty road. It’s late, and the streets are quiet, the lights magnified under the dark, restless sky.
“I’ve shot someone,” he says. “We don’t usually stick around to see how it turns out.”
I swallow, a funny tremor going through me. I figured they both had, but hearing him say it…
“But I’d never hurt you,” he says, reaching for my knee again. “I’m going to prove it to you, Rae. I meant what I said back there. I’m crazy about you. I went crazy with how much I want you, but I’ll never hurt you again. I’m going to wait as long as you need, until you trust me again. I promise. I’ll be the best boyfriend you’ve ever had.”
“Boyfriend?” I ask, not mentioning that I haven’t had a boyfriend since middle school. It makes a warm little swell of joy rise inside me, that this tattooed gangster artist wants to actually date me. “Are you asking me to be your girlfriend right now?”
“Yes,” he says, smiling at me from the corner of his mouth. “Can you give me just one more chance? I fucked up, Rae. But doesn’t everyone deserve the grace to make a mistake once, as long as they don’t do it again?”
“Yeah,” I say, my mouth answering his smile before my head is completely on board. “Yeah, I think I can forgive you this once.”
He wants to be myboyfriend.I want to squeal with happiness. It’s only a bit more than a month until graduation, and I was beginning to think I’d be the freak who didn’t go out with a single guy in all of high school. Maddox publicly proclaimed me as property of the Murder of Crows, which means no one messes with me—and no guy would dare ask me out. It’s a Crow or nothing, and despite my jealous imaginings, I didn’t think they actually dated.
We pull up in front of the small brick house next to the dilapidated white one where I used to live. It seems like years ago that I first opened the window and fed my own crow on the roof. Everything has changed since then. Now the Crows feed me. Poe’s gone, and I’m gone from that place.
Lennox turns off the engine and takes my hand gently. “Can you do something for me?”
“Okay…”
“Don’t tell Maddox about this,” he says. “You know how pissed he’ll be that you chose me. He’s never lost before, and he won’t take it well.”
“Lennox…” I say, my chest tightening. I don’t want to hurt him, but I also don’t want this decision made for me. I didn’t even know it was my decision to make until tonight. I want to think through it, to really consider before I do something I can’t take back. He’s offering to be my boyfriend, and I know Maddox will never offer that. But is that what I really and truly want? Or is it just what everyone else does, and I don’t want to be left out?
“He’ll be looking for any excuse for violence,” Lennox says. “If he thinks I hurt you, that’ll be reason enough for him. He won’t wait to see that it’s not true. That I didn’t hurt you.”
I swallow, not sure what’s wrong but feeling uneasy about the way he paints everything with words as easily as he does with his brush. But he’s right—he didn’t hurt me. I only have a few scrapes, and that’s from where I fell. I was more scared than hurt, and now I’m all turned around and confused by what happened, and if it was really as big a deal as I’m making it.
Finally, I can’t stand to sit there another minute with Lennox just staring at me with such a pleading look in his eyes. I don’t want them to fight again, and not just for the selfish reason that Valeria will kick me out. I don’t want them hurt—either of them. And I know Lennox is right. Maddox will hurt him. I don’t want to be the reason for it, don’t want to be a snitch and get his ass kicked.
“Okay,” I say at last, tugging my hand from his. “Just let me think about things, okay?”
“Take all the time you need,” he says, brushing my hair off my cheek and winding it gently behind my ear. “I told you, I can wait. I’m a patient man. When you’re ready, we’ll tell him.”
“No,” I say, drawing away from him. “When I’m ready for this, I’ll tellyou.”
twenty-six
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