Is this the sun burning us?
“Jim?”
I snap my gaze to Iz’s as tears spill over her flushed cheeks. Her shivers wrack her tiny frame. I’m so fucking scared, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know which direction to look.
Izzy or Bean.
Shaking and scared Izzy, or purple and unresponsive Bean.
The doctors and nurses shout orders at each other, and yet, Bean remains silent and floppy on a small table under hot lights.
I step into Iz and hug her. In reality, I step in and block her view.
They shove a ventilator mask over Bean’s tiny face. They massage his tiny chest. There must be ten or more uniformed people in here now, and yet Iz and I stand all alone on our side of the room while the rest of them work on the still purple baby.
It’s not fair. We find three minutes of happiness, and now this. The universe will only allow us one or the other.
This isn’t fucking fair.
The doctors work on Bean’s chest. They breathe for him. They massage, massage, massage, until slowly, like a time lapse video, his skin transforms from dark blue, purple, lobster red, then a deep pink.
As soon as we hit that pink, the sweetest noise I ever heard in my life roars out and almost sends me to my knees.
I sobbed like a fucking baby once before, when Bobby confronted me the morning after Iz’s announcement. But that cry was nothing on the painful sobs that rip through my chest when I hear Bean’s first cry. “He’s okay.” I turn back to a silent Iz. “He’s okay, Bubs.”
She stares back at me blankly. Curious. Shock, maybe. But no emotion. No relief. No happy tears.
I turn back to the nurse as she wraps the baby much gentler than the way they were handling him minutes ago.
Walking to us, I stand and make room as she lays Bean on Iz’s now bare chest. “Congratulations, Mommy and Daddy.” She smiles at us, but I can’t keep my eyes off the baby for more than a second. “You have a beautiful baby girl.”
We have a… a girl? “Bean’s a girl? Holy shit!” I press my face into Iz’s shoulder. “I love you so much, Bubs. I love you both so much.” I pray to whoever the fuck’s up there that he never takes this from me. We’ve worked for this. We earned it. “I get to keep both my girls now.”
“I’m going to drop him.” Iz’s voice is monotone. Uncaring. Unemotional. Slack faced and emotionless, she looks down her body. “Take him, I’m going to drop him.”
I sweep Bean from Iz’s chest the instant her arms drop. “Iz?” The doctors push me aside and surround her. I hug Bean against my chest and watch on. “Iz?”
“Give the baby to me.” The nurse steps into my space and tries to take my bundle. “Sir. Give her to me. She’s still unwell. We need to take her to special care.” She works to pry my stiff fingers from the fluffy blue and yellow blanket.
Bean’s not crying anymore.
Iz isn’t crying anymore.
There’s so much fucking noise in this room, yet none of it is coming from the two that I love. “What’s going on?” I yank away from the nurse’s spidery hands. Clutching Bean to my chest, I step forward. “Tell me what’s going on?”
“Izzy has an infection, sir. I think your baby girl has the same. We need to get the baby to the special care ward for monitoring and medication.” Her gentle words directly contradict her strong hands peeling mine away. “Go to your wife, sir. Help her. I won’t take my eyes off your baby until you and Izzy can come get her.”
“No!” Iz’s lifeless face snaps back to focus. Rage. Worry. Anger. Potent anger fires in her eyes. “Go with Bean! Promise me, Jim. Go with my baby.”
My whole world is dropping out from beneath me.
I feel like a retelling of King Solomon’s story. Cut me in two.
What the fuck do I do?
“Sir, we have to go now.” She snatches Bean and lays her gently in the bed with bright lights. Without waiting for me, they begin wheeling her from the room.
She’s taking my baby away.
“I’ll never forgive you, Jim.” Iz’s eyes fire with rage. “If you don’t choose Bean, I’ll never forgive you.” When I don’t move, her screams rival that of when the doctor cut her. “Go! Don’t let him out of your sight.”
With one last look at the love of my life as a doctor massages her stomach and blood gushes from her body, I honor her wishes and rush out and catch up to the nurse who has my baby.
My heart and mind scream at me. Which one will I lose tonight?
I’m Icarus. And I touched the sun.