Alex and Oz show up around nine with fake smiles and forced encouragement when they walk in to find me on crutches in the hall.It’s like a fucking miracle! Look at you, Rook! Back to new again.
Lindsi came with her husband, but like she can sense I don’t want to see a Conner, she plants her ass on a plastic chair and keeps her eyes down. I want her to tell me where Andi is. I want her to tell me this is all a bad dream, and I’m going to wake soon with my face on Andi’s chest, her heartbeat in my ear, and her fingers in my hair. But the ache in my armpits from hours of using crutches says otherwise.
I want Andi to come back, to not look at my leg, to not judge it, then to allow me to apologize for hurting her.
I’ve never in my life touched a woman in any way but to help, to soothe, to comfort, but the one woman I care about, the one that makes my heart beat faster, comes in to see me and I hurt her so much, the fear in her eyes makes me want to claw mine out.
I hurt her. I choked her. I shoved her.
I deserve a fucking bullet between the eyes, and Andi deserves to be back home, living her life without a cripple in her space dragging her down.
Telling her to leave was the right thing to do, even if it means the rest of my life will be lived without my heart in my chest. She’s not yet thirty years old, beautiful, enigmatic, and full of life. Not so long ago, if she so much as hinted at moving to town, I might have thrown myself at her feet and suggested she test out my house for something new and exciting. But now, I don’t want her here. My heart wants her back, but my brain knows that being thousands of miles away is best for her, and this one time, for the first time in her life, she listened.
I’ve received no texts since I threw her out, no calls, no more visits. She saw what she saw, she took her leave, and she bolted.
Good for her.
Alex and Oz hang around for half the day while the doctors force me to practice on my crutches in the halls. They cheer me on, then shut their fucking traps when I glare. I walk around until I form blisters on my armpits, then I transfer from my bed, to the wheelchair, to crutches, back to the chair, to the bed again.
Repeat.
A hundred times.
I don’t fuck it up once, despite the pain that throbs in my body. My stomach screams for a rest, and my numb leg begins to feel less and less numb as the blood pumps and pushes against my incision. Pain or not, broken heart or not, I don’t slip once, because I’m too stubborn to let clumsiness keep me from going home.
I need to be alone with my demons while I come to terms with my new reality.
I won’t leave my mom. There’s nothing on this planet bad enough to tempt me to take the easy way out and use my department issued guns. I can’t end this and leave her all alone, so I’ll sit in the dark at home and figure out what I’m going to tell her, then I’ll present her with the best bullshit story I ever made up, a bowl of soup, a small batch of brownies, and I’ll let her think her world is back on kilter.
Nothing changes for her as long as I continue to visit. My leg doesn’t change that, so that’s what I’ll do, and when I’m not visiting with her, I’ll be at home ignoring the calls from the people who are so curious, they put their manners aside and ask anyway.
“Alright, Mr. Cruz.” The doctor stands over me with smug satisfaction as I slump in my wheelchair. He knew I’d end up in the chair, he knew I’d be exhausted after hours ofwalking. It’s almost like he hoped for it, just to prove his superiority. “You’re cleared to leave. I have your discharge papers, your follow up appointments scheduled, and prescriptions for enough pain relief to get you through until your follow up appointment. I’ll see you again a week from today to remove your staples, and I’ll be receiving reports daily from the home nurse when she drops by to check your dressing. If anything bothers me, I’ll have you brought back before you can blink.” He taps my shoulder like we’re pals. “Take care of yourself. Don’t give me reason to drag you back in here.” He looks around the room. “Who will stay with you?”
“Nobody.” I don’t meet his eyes. “I live alone.”
“We’ll be there.” Alex steps forward. “Oz and I will be in his home around the clock.”
I scoff. No, they won’t. They’ll drive me home, then I’ll push them the fuck out just like I did Andi.
“Alright.” Satisfied, the doctor writes that in his notes. “There’s nothing more for us today, so you’re free to go.”
My eyes shoot up to the clock on the wall. “Now?”
“Mmm.” Unimpressed, he scribbles in my file. “Now. Be safe, Mr. Cruz. I very much look forward to seeing you walk again.”
It’s my turn to answer with an unimpressed ‘mmm’, but then Oz lifts the bags he brought in for me – shirts, deodorant, hair brush, and phone charger – and moves toward the door. Alex steps up behind my chair like he thinks he’s going to push it, but as soon as my eyes come around, he lifts his hands and takes a step back.
“I don’t need your help. Don’t touch it.”
He shakes his head and follows me out when I roll forward and learn how to coordinate a chair on the fly. “Just trying to make this easier on you, Rook. I want to help you.”
“I don’t fuckin’ want it.” I wheel past the nurse’s station, then stop at the elevators. It takes me a moment to get the chair positioned to press the call button, but no one steps forward to do it, not even Lindsi as she shyly follows her husband. In all the time I’ve known her, she’s never watched the floor so much, she’s never chewed her nails, or jumped when I bark orders. But then again, in the whole time I’ve known her, I’ve never been so fucking rude and short tempered.
I’m sorry for upsetting her, but Oz should know better. He should stop dragging her here when he knows I don’t want to look at her. This is on him, because I told them all to stay gone.
Wheeling into the elevator when the doors open, I realize too late that I’ll remain facing the back the whole way. There’s not enough room to turn, not enough brain cells to figure it out while everyone watches on. Awkward silences and nervous coughs fill the air as Oz, Alex, and Lindsi file in and fill the gaps my chair left.
As soon as the doors close, I exhale and let my head drop.
I didn’t want this.