“Laine?”
“Hm?”
“Weapons?”
“Oh! Right.” I sit up taller and re-focus. “It’s not that I feel theneedfor a weapon. Kane’s house is locked up like a fortress, and everything’s on security camera. I don’tneeda weapon, but having tools in my hands makes me feel safer. Just in case, you know?”
She nodsyes, but she takes notes on that pad of paper.Crazy, crazy, crazy.
“How are you sleeping?”
And just like that, she wipes away my smile. “I still dream.”
“Every night?”
I nod. “Most.”
Crazy, crazy, crazy.
“What do you dream about?”
Restlessly, I shrug and sit back into my chair. “A dark club. Fire. Men. Lots and lots of men.” I swallow around the lump in my throat. “Lots and lots of hands.” I clasp mine together and rub one thumb over the other. “Graham’s in all of them. Ang is in some of them.”
“Does Angelo ever hurt you in your dreams?”
“No. He’s just kind of there, like he’s disappointed in my choices. He wants me to leave, but he doesn’t reach out, he doesn’t do anything.” My eyes water. “He’s a watcher. He watches the show.”
Understanding, she purses her lips and makes notes. “Okay, he watches. How does that make you feel?”
I can’t even laugh at her cliché question. “It makes me feel foolish. Foolish that I got myself into such a mess. Foolish that I did something really dumb one time, so Graham had power over me that I wasn’t strong enough to shake. And because I was weak, I still feel the consequences of that today.”
“You’re not angry that Angelo doesn’t reach out? That he doesn’t take you away?”
“No.” I lean across and grab a stupid tissue.Touché, Sonia. Touché.“He didn’t put me there. I put me there. Graham put me there. And now I’m living through the consequences of my actions.”
She stops writing and looks up. “You still blame yourself for what happened?”
“Of course! Who else is there to blame? I walked into that club. I let them do those things to me. There is literally no one else to blame but me.”
“Are you angry with Graham?”
“In my dreams? Or real life?”
“Both.” She clasps her hands. “Either.”
“I dunno.” I scrunch the tissue between my fingers. “In my dreams, I’m afraid of him. When I wake up, I’m afraidandangry. It’s really conflicting for me; angry and afraid, because if I stayed angry, I might be able to kick away the fear. You know? But I’m not quite there yet.” A tear slides along my cheek. “I’m afraid this time at Jess’ place is a really long dream. I’m afraid that, in real life, I’m still with Graham and this is a dream. And how awful is it thatthis, this new world where I still cry every single day, is my hopes and dreams?”
“Most people strive for better, Laine, but often, they’re scared of getting it.”
“Why?” I dab the tissue beneath my eye. “Why would someone be afraid of getting something they want?”
“Because when you don’t have it, that’s just your life, right? You’re doing fine, you’re coping, you’re living your life. But when youdohave that thing you dreamed about, that thing you so desperately prayed for… well, now you have something to lose. People are scared of getting something and losing it again.”
“I’m afraid of happiness.” I draw in a long breath and hold it. “Because right now, I have what I have and I’m coping. But if I become happy and then lose it…”
“It’s a painful thought, Laine, but a brave goal.” She reaches forward and takes my hand. “You’re allowed to be happy. You’re allowed to seek happiness.”
“Yeah.” Pulling away gently, I swipe away a tear. “I’m trying.”