“I am now, but it’s still dark out. Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I walk down the stairs with one hand on the rail. I don’t want to die from breaking my neck. Not after everything else. “I’m okay. I had a shitty dream, so then I went to visit with Jess, now she’s having sex and I’m going to visit with Wanda.”
“Jess is having sex?”
“Yuh.”
“Right now?”
“Uh-huh. Why are you fixating on that?”
“I just…” I smile at his stuttering. “I’m not. Moving on. I’m not going to ask how you know what they’re doing. I’m not even going to mention the fact you visited them in the middle of the damn night, and now… just no.” The sounds of scratchy stubble come through the line. “You’re okay?”
“Yes.” I walk through the living room and flip on every light we have.
“Who’s Wanda? Are you leaving the house? Don’t go anywhere alone, I’ll come and get you.”
The anxiety that settled in my stomach a moment ago dissolves. “Just like old times. You know I’m going to do dumb shit, but instead of stopping me, you drive me where I’ve gotta go.”
“Because I can’t stop you from doing the dumb shit,” he huffs. “The only thing I can do is make sure you arrive home safe again.”
I pass through the kitchen and continue to flip on lights. “You’re a sweet friend, Ang. I’m not sure I ever told you that.”
“Laine…” He lets out a long exhale. “I’m not mad you’re calling. I’ll never be mad you called. But can you get to the point? You’re making me sick with worry.”
“Oh, yeah.” I flip the switch on the coffee machine and get to work with the beans. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry.”
“It’s okay. What’s up?”
“Where are you?”
“In bed. Where the hell do you think I am?”
His snapped words make me smile. Ang is grumpy when woken up before he’s ready.
“Sorry. Bed is obvious. My head is a little whacky today, and now it’s not even five and I’m starting the coffee.”
“Why don’t you go back to bed?” His voice, low and gritty, proves how tired he is. I never considered Ang a hugger before, but that’s sort of what his voice at this hour feels like. A warm hug under soft blankets. “Bad dreams suck, but you should try to get more sleep.”
“No, I’m up for today. I’m gonna make coffee and do some work, but I wanted to talk to you first.”
“Yeah?” Yawning, he moves around in bed, almost like he’s moving up to sit against the headboard. “What do you wanna talk about?”
“I wanted to say I’m sorry for freaking out on you the other day.”
“You’re sorry?” The laziness in his voice dissipates in an instant. “Sorry? What the hell for?”
“My head is all kinda messed up at the moment.” I close the lid on the machine and press the button to get it started. “Graham messed with a lot of things, like my self-worth, my autonomy, my freedom. He made me scared of shadows. And men. He made me terrified of men.”
“Laine…”
“I’m not scared of you, Ang. I’ve never been scared of you, but Iwasscared ofbecomingscared of you.” I stand by and watch the coffee machine vibrate on the counter. “Do you know what I mean? Am I making sense?”
“I won’t ever hurt you, Laine. Not in a million years.”
“I know.” I step to the fridge and take out the milk. “I know you won’t, but I was scared I might get a little spooked, and I was afraid that would juxtapose your face onto everyone else that scared me.” Without my hoodie, in sleep shorts and a tank top, I stare out the black window over the sink and shiver. “I was afraid of breaking an old friendship because of my issues, so I pushed you away. So, the reason I’m calling is to say I’m sorry for pushing you away. I’m sorry for freaking out on you the other day.”
“You don’t have to apologize. You never have to tell me sorry for something you’re feeling. I’m your friend, I signed on for a lifetime of weird PMS tantrums, bail bonding, and riddles that I might never be able to solve.”