“Okay.” I turn to my bedside table and find a half-full glass of water – the floating chunks bring memories of sips after vomiting, shaking hands, and a crying woman helping me not die. “Would you mind getting me a little water? I don’t think I can stand.” I don’t think I can sit anymore, either. Slumping back, I hit the pillow with a grunt and close my eyes. “Put the gun down, Blondie. I’m not fit to rush you to the hospital right now.”
“I’m gonna shootyou,not me. You don’t seem to grasp how fucking angry I am.”
“I get it, Blondie. I promise.” I turn to my side and try not to cry like a baby. “But my body really can’t play right now. I’m sorry.” I bring my legs up and hug them to my chest. “No one would come looking, beautiful. You said it yourself, you heard gunshots. Did you go looking?”
“No.”
“Right. And I promise, you’re the most upstanding person in a twelve block radius. If you didn’t go looking, no one else will.”
“Perfect.”
I spring to my feet as the canon blast of my Glock .45 deafens me. Smoke plumes from the corner of my mattress where a hole now ruins my bedding. “What the fuck?” Scrunching my face, I push fingers into my ears to clear away the ringing and dizziness. “You fucking shot at me!”
“I told you I would!” Fury filled, she storms forward and drops the gun to the bed before she slams sloppy fists against my stomach. Finally, the dam breaks and her quiet rage turn to a torrent of sobbing. “I told you I’d shoot! I told you I just had the scariest night of my life. And even if you were right here, I was all alone! I thought you would die.” I clamp her hands together and stop her attack. She struggles against me, but I climb off my bed and stand toe-to-toe. “I don’t forgive you, Kane! I don’t like you. I don’t want to know you. I stayed because I’m the most upstanding person in a twelve block radius and I didn’t want you to die, but now you’re awake, I’m done!” She attempts to push me back, but I refuse to release her hands. Even weak as a baby, I refuse to release her. “Let me go! I liked you because you made me feel safe. Even with how your life is and who your friends are and the really horrible fucking career you chose, you made me feel safe!”
“Blondie–”
“I wasn’t safe last night! I’ve never been so scared in my life. I’ve never had my heart pound as fast as it did for so long. Each time the hall would go quiet, you’d choke on your fucking tongue and I’d have to deep throat you to get it out again.”
“Thank you for helping me.”
“Fuck you, asshole! I should’ve let you die. That’s one less drug dealer on the street – one less criminal – and one less girl that might be broken because of you.”
“Stop.” I use whatever last remnants of strength I possess and shake her until her teeth rattle. “Stop hitting me! Jessie, stop.” I wrap my arms around her shoulders and squeeze her until her cheek smooshes against my chest. “Please stop. I know you’re mad. I know you were scared. I’m sorry. I didn’t set out to kill myself last night. It wasn’t my fault.”
“Itwasyour fault! Every choice you make isyoursto make!”
“I can’t defy Abel! I can’t tell him no.”
“Yes. You. Can!” She slams her fists between us. “Youchooseto work for him. I’ve given you sixty billion alternatives for work, but youchooseto do what you do and now I’m fucking traumatized.”
“Baby, it’s not that simple.”
“I willalwayssee your blue lips when I go to bed. Every time I close my eyes, I’ll remember your convulsing body. Every time I have a minute alone in the quiet, I’ll remember sitting against a door and pushing back with all my strength because someone wanted to come in. If they got in, would you have protected me? No! Because you took drugs and nearly killed yourself!”
“I’m sorry.” Despite the rot in my mouth, I press a kiss to her hair. Then her brow. Then her temple. “I’m so sorry. I swear I didn’t do what I did just for fun. I’d never have put you in danger if I knew. Last night was a clusterfuck of bad decisions, but I swear, I never would’ve called you if I knew what was happening.”
“If you didn’t call me, then you’d be dead!” She slams her fist into my chest and pushes a river of vomit up my esophagus. My brain feels too big for my skull. My ears ring from the gunshot and her screaming. My eyes are like balls of lava. And yet, I keep holding on. “You’d be in a virgin’s bed,” she snaps. “She wouldn’t be a virgin anymore, mind you. You’d have fucked until she bled, then you’d die, because after you raped her, she sure as shit wouldn’t have helped you. Is that what you want for your life, Kane? Because that’s where your shitty fucking choices are taking you.”
“No. It’s not that black and white, Jessie. It’s–”
“Stop calling me Jessie! Don’t call me baby. Don’t fucking touch me.” My phone rings on repeat from somewhere in the room, but I have bigger things to worry about as she kicks and scratches. “You have claw marks on your hands! That’s from the girl you weregivenlast night? Was she good? Did she have a nice, tightcunt?”
“No! I didn’t… How much did I talk last night?”
“You talked enough that I should’ve let you choke!”
“Then you know I didn’t touch her! I got her ass out of the club and handed her over to someone who’d get her home. I didn’t do anything wrong except what I had to do to avoid a bullet in my brain. My head hurts right now, Jess. Not a headache, but brain-explosion fucking pain. You’re screaming at me, but I’m too woozy to process your words before you scream some more. I did my job last night. I didn’t mean to put you in danger. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Waves roar in my head and make me dizzy. Pushing her back, I sprint for my bathroom and drop to my knees. I don’t get the lid all the way up before boiling hot stomach acid splashes on my hand and wrings me inside out.
Her stomping around my living room doesn’t stop the river of bile tearing up my throat. The sound of my cell phone blaring does nothing to slow the pain or wracking heaves. The movement of my pots and pans makes my heart lurch, but the vomit refuses to stop.
The front door slams closed and splinters my heart, but still, the cocaine and whatever else I ingested refuses mercy until my body is empty.
Each breath I drag in restarts the nausea. Each beat of my heart booms in my head. What the fuck did he cut the coke with?
I’ve been working for Abel for more than a year.