“Because you miss him?” Faith asks, a hint of joy in her voice.
I wave a hand at Legend as he folds a blanket he just pulled off the couch as if it explains what I mean.
Faith insisted on coming over last night after hearing about what happened. I told her I was fine. She declared me a liar and arrived fifteen minutes later. Of course, she’d never be allowed out of Legend’s sight, so that left both of them staying the night. I wasn’t exactly happy for them to invade my space, and I was even less accommodating, but they both woke with smiles on their faces. Forcing them to sleep on the couch wasn’t the punishment I had anticipated it to be.
“I didn’t want you to be alone,” Faith says, walking past me into the kitchen.
I follow her, wondering just how long we’ll have together before Legend comes sniffing around.
I don’t know that it’s healthy the way they always stick so close, but I’m also a little jealous at how much the man clearly cares for my best friend.
“It’s funny how everyone in my life keeps making decisions for me without my input.” I place my coffee cup back down on the counter, the clink of ceramic hitting the granite a little harder than I had planned.
Faith turns to look at me. “I’m not trying to control you. Last night was traumatic.”
“I lived it, Faith. I know exactly what it was. Nothing has changed.”
“Can you give me a timeframe?”
I tilt my head in confusion. “A timeframe?”
“Like, how long are you planning to live in denial?”
“I’m not—”
“You are, and I know it’s part of the process, but you found out what really happened to your mom last night.”
I shake my head, not wanting to talk about it. I know I can’t ignore it forever, but it’s just not something I can face today, or even tomorrow.
Faith stares at me, but her plan to get me to talk doesn’t work. She sighs as she turns back to the coffee pot. “What are your plans for the day?”
“I’m going to go see Big Daddy.”
“Are you going to tell him?”
“I can’t,” I say, unable to keep the sadness out of my voice. “I think it will do more harm than good. He’s lived decades believing my mom left of her own free will. I think he can imagine her being happy wherever she is. I don’t want to burst that bubble.”
“That’s understandable,” she says in a way that lets me know she isn’t judging my decision on how to move forward.
“I know I’m being a bitch right now, and I apologize. Thanks for bringing my car back.” I point to the keys on the kitchen counter.
“Spade brought it back last night after you went to bed,” Legend says as he walks into the room, his arms immediately going around Faith’s waist.
He’s so unapologetic in the way he loves her, and I can’t help but feel envious at times.
“You could call him and tell him thank you,” Faith prods.
I give her a weak smile. It’s neither an agreement nor a refusal. I know I told the man I wanted him to leave last night, but he did it so easily. Hell, I wanted to leave last night, especially after watching him back out of my driveway, but I couldn’t voice that to him.
He’d been forced to be here long enough. It was time for the man to get back to his normal life. I don’t think he had the chance to grow annoyed with the task he was given by his boss, but I know it would only be a matter of time before he would grow bitter about having to hold a crying woman in bed each night.
After a night of fitful sleep, I let myself imagine riding back to the clubhouse with Faith and Legend this morning to get my car. I pictured him bolting down the steps and begging me to stay. He made declarations, and of course being who I am, I rejected them at first, but he didn’t take no for an answer, and after one kiss, I melted into his arms. The happily ever after is implied here.
But I know those thoughts will be as fruitless as the times I’ve spent imagining being brave and facing fear like a warrior. Everyone knows now after last night just how off the mark I’ve been with those.
Seeing Spade again will be no different.
I’m not in denial about that because I know I’ll have to see him. My best friend literally lives in the same building as the man. It won’t go the way I’ve pictured in my head, and spending a second more longing for it will only lead to deeper disappointment.